Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
I have been writing on the topic of bullying since late last year and I greatly appreciate all the support, encouragement and insightful feedback and comments which I have received to my Bullying & Beyond posts!
In order to access the most up to date information available on bullying and gain some insights and understanding of the Government’s education policy regarding the prevention of bullying, I decided to join a blended learning programme being offered by NABC; the National Anti Bullying Association of Ireland, entitled Bullying Prevention & Intervention Online Course for Teachers. It is a ten week online programme which also includes two face to face sessions in DCU, Dublin City University, St Patrick’s, Drumcondra, in Dublin.
And so, I would like to invite you to share your thoughts with me and in doing so, help me inform my answer to the first question we have been posed…
“What do you think are the greatest challenges teachers face when dealing with bullying behaviours?”
I look forward to your thought provoking responses!
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Anti-bullying training for teachers that is evidence based and backed by up to the minute research is vital if students are to have access to the best possible education in an educational environment that is bully free.
The NABC, National Anti-bullying Centre in Ireland is providing an anti-bullying programme for teachers working in Irish Post primary schools…read more here and please share…
“The FUSE programme is part of the Department of Education and Skills Wellbeing Framework and supported by the NABC, ISPCC and Dublin City University, and funded by Facebook. To run FUSE in your school and learn more about the programme please visit the FUSE website: https://antibullyingcentre.ie/fuse/ or please contact us on Tel: 01 884 2012.”
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
When our son was being bullied and he told the bullies to ‘stop’ they wouldn’t stop. When we sought help in school we were told “Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.” When he stood up for himself and physically fought back, it stopped some of the bullies. Sometimes when one bully started a bout of verbal bullying others would join in and John would be out-numbered and unable to put an end to the unwanted taunting and teasing.
That sadly was the unpredictable and repeated reality for our son.
Some days school was what it was meant to be, a happy educational and social environment. He came home to us full of chat, in great form and ready to engage with after school sports or other hobbies.
But other days the school torment returned…
Slowly we noticed him retreat into himself and take refuge in his room. He started to delay getting ready for school and for his hobbies. We couldn’t understand what was happening to him. He couldn’t sleep and soon developed insomnia. We took him to his GP. Many rows centered around him always being late. He began to drop away from his hobbies and miss more time from school. We felt all our efforts to communicate in a positive and respectful manner were met instead with fits of temper. Now we know that he was unable to voice the painful abuse he was enduring, his behaviour was his only way of showing us his distress.
Bullies are cunning. Part of their power lies in the unpredictability of their attack and in their ability to silence and keep their victim in fear.
His tormentors knew that over time, with sustained and unpredictable abuse they could break him.
“I was only messing”,
“I was only having a laugh”,
These are just two excuses that children offer when they are caught bullying another child and challenged for their behaviour.
As parents or teachers it is important to discuss with all children what bullying is and what bullying isn’t. It is important to encourage children to talk about bullying, whether it is bullying they are experiencing, bullying they have witnessed or bullying they are perpetrating.
When boys are engaged in horseplay; which is a common way for adolescent boys to behave, the physicality is okay once all involved are willing participants. But if one child is being targeted by another child or by a group of children and being verbally or physically mistreated then this behaviour is unwarranted and needs to be addressed. Children buy into group behaviour and follow the lead of other more assertive children, often for fear of being a target themselves, if they don’t follow the bully’s lead.
As parents and teachers we can’t assume that all children understand when ‘messing,’ or ‘having a laugh,’ over-steps its boundary and is no longer just a bit of giddy fun.
Whether at home or in school, children need to be educated about bullying and made aware that when a child objects to any unwanted, continuous and upsetting behaviour, if it does not stop, then it is deliberate and willful bullying! If bullying is left uncontested it can and will undermine the victim’s physical, psychological and emotional wellbeing. If you would like to read about some of the consequences of bullying, we have shared our experiences in Bullying & Beyond… Painting the Pain, part one.
Have you ever discussed bullying with your child? Have you ever watched your child retreat into themselves as a result of bullying? Is “I was only messing” ever a good enough excuse?
‘NYCTINASTY’…that’s what it’s called when a flower closes in on itself at night to protect itself from a night-time chill or a nectar thief such as bats.
But when you watch your own child close in on themselves the ‘NYCTI’ vanishes from your mind and all that remains are the questions, those ‘NASTY’ nagging, unanswered questions!
You can see your child’s pain and of course being a parent, you can feel their pain but the worst pain is the helplessness you feel being unable to rightify their pain.
There are, you begin to realise, so many things outside your control but over time I’ve learnt that there is so much you CAN do…
You can regularly let your child know that you see that IT’S NOT EASY for them at the moment.
You can also voice, with confidence, even if you don’t feel confident, that you ARE THERE FOR THEM and that you have their back.
You can also be adult enough to realise that the temper tantrums and door slammings are their ONLY way of voicing what they are otherwise unable to verbalise.
Even when their words sting and hurt you to the core you can hold your tongue, which surprisingly is the strongest muscle in our body yet is possibly the weakest when we feel under attack!
The closing-in, the isolating self-protection you see in your child, unlike the flower’s nyctinasty, is not something that reverses itself overnight like the flower that reopen to the first rays of morning warmth.
Your child’s process of re-opening to the world, may take much longer… But be patient and ‘JUST LOVE’ your child and in time they will re-open to the world around them, and you will see how amazing it is when they BLOSSOM!
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
When your child is being bullied at school, it is important to reach out and find professional support. There is a lot of qualified support out there but it is very important to find a counsellor that you and/or your child can relate to. The trust you build with your counsellor is vital to the healing process.
Shame is an important aspect of bullying and an aspect I’d like to raise awareness of. Teachers carry a heavy task, large class sizes and a wide variety of needs to be met but I think it’s important, for parents and teachers, to be very aware that children remember shaming remarks and wear them like a label, long after the event. The emotional growth of children is stunted if they are shamed in front of their siblings or peers.
This experienced and knowledgeable gentleman played an important part in providing insights that helped us heal our family. Of course when you gain insights from counselling, you can choose to learn from them and use them to heal your family or if you so wish, not learn from them or use them. At the end of the day, the path you choose is up to you…
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
Shaming children leaves a lasting impact and gives them core shame which they bring into adult life
Shaming remarks made to children under twelve have a more drastic and permanent impact that can become core because, like parents, teachers spend a lot of time with them, and the frequency of these remarks is a key element in laying the crop of shame. A combination of parental and teaching shaming is particularly damaging and reinforces the sense of not being good enough in the child. We can choose not to shame any child. Education is not just about intellectual or cognitive development, it must include emotional nourishment as well, which is facilitated by praise and allowing children the space to interact with each other. So, I will leave this part of the blog with a simple poem by an unknown poet on the practical difference between shame and praise –
“I’ve got 2 A’s” the small boy cried,
His voice was filled with glee
His father very bluntly asked
“Why did you not get three?”
“I’ve mowed the grass” the tall boy said
“And put the mower away”.
His father asked him with a shrug,
“Did you clean off the clay?
“Mom, I’ve got the dishes done,”
The girl called from the door.
Her mother very calmly said
“And did you sweep the floor?”
The children in the house next door
Seemed happy and content.
The same things happened over there,
But this is how it went:
“I’ve got 2 A’s the small boy cried,
His voice was filled with glee.
His father very proudly said
“That’s great! I’m glad you live with me.”
“I’ve mowed the grass,” the tall boy said
“And put the mower away,”
His father answered with much joy,
“You’ve made my happy day”
“Mom, I’ve got the dishes done”
The girl called from the door.
Her mother smiled and softly said,
“Each day I love you more.”
Children need encouragement
For tasks they’re asked to do
If they’re to lead a happy life,
So much depends on you.
The results of Ireland’s Leaving Certificate State Exam were released on the 13th of August.
This exam is the culmination of five years of study and it holds the key to the future of many students.
For months before the exams, which are held each year in June, two things happen.
1. Some students don’t cast the upcoming exams a thought.
2. Some students stress themselves to the point of mental and physical distress over sitting these exams.
For weeks before the results are released in August, two things happen.
1. Some students don’t cast the upcoming results a thought.
2. Some students stress themselves out worrying about the outcome or points they will achieve.
And that is the story of life.
The students at 1. above, takes things in their stride, they do not struggle with their emotions or become anxious.
The students at 2. above, are predisposed to an anxious nature. They struggle to handle their emotions and cope with stress.
And that is the human story or condition. We are all different, in how we see the world and how we cope in the world.
The Leaving Certificate acknowledges the high achievers and rightly so! It tabulates the results and rewards students accordingly. It is a grading system. It however, fails to grade students on how they function and cope emotionally or psychologically.
So please consider a few important things.
1. Look past the A4 sheet of Academic Outcomes and see that each student, teenager, boy, girl, non-gender, behind the A4 grading system is individual, unique, different and consider how they truly feel. They may not be the highest achiever in maths or biology but they might be the highest achiever in resilience or mental health management.
2. Don’t compare them to others. It doesn’t matter what their friends or peers got. Don’t expect them to get the same results. Do expect them to react or cope in very different ways and be there for them, if their world falls apart. Be calm, be capable and let them see that by supporting each other this will all work out!
3. If you are a teacher or parent and your student, son or daughter haven’t reached the exam stage yet, then make the most of it! Tell them, right the way through school, how unique and different they are. Watch out for and acknowledge their high achievements, whether it is academic or simply turning in for school. Remind them that they have numerous talents, some of which will be uncovered academically and many, many more which will only surface when they study at the college of life!
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Inverted means to turn (something) upside down
Or to change the position, order, or relationship of things so that they are the opposite of what they had been.
When you live with something challenging like bullying for long enough and see the destructive effect it has on you and your family, you need to realise that you have two choices, namely
1. stay trapped within the challenge, trying to escape, or
2. find the gift within the challenge and grow it!
When all else failed us as parents, and we could find no solution to the destructive effects bullying had on our children, we stopped trying to find the solutions we wanted to find.
We didn’t admit defeat but we accepted that this was where we were, nothing more, nothing less. We took our focus off all that had gone wrong. We shifted our lens to focus on building our resilience. We stepped back, paused and regrouped. Then we hit back with the most powerful weapon of all… love.
We opened ourselves up, to just love. We didn’t hold out expectations. We didn’t compare. We didn’t complain that life was unfair. We refocused instead on every positive we could find. We spoke from a place of positivity and within a short space of time we began to notice change!
And now, a mere 12 months later, our son has completed his first year in college and has spent his summer touring a number of European countries. Our daughter is pushing forward with her campaign to have Psychiatric Service Dogs recognised in Ireland and is in the process of training Ireland’s first every Psychiatric Service Dog, Doris. I’ve experienced, for myself, how cathartic (healing) writing and sharing is, especially when it is done within a safe and creative space, surrounded by a supportive community who identify with my posts and offer positive and affirming feedback. Because of this support I’ve written over thirty posts on the topic of bullying.
However, living with fibromyalgia/CFS means I have to constantly prioritise my time and energy. I don’t commit time to taking part in awards but I am always pleased to be nominated for an award and I am grateful to Terri for her thoughtful introduction which I’d like to share with you…
“Marie from Create Space.
Marie shares her family’s story of bullying, and the devastating effects it has on the mental health of those affected. Although the subject matter has the potential to be weighty and heartbreaking, Marie balances this by sharing how one can rise above the effects of bullying and make a difference in the world.”
So, when you face your next challenge, what will you choose?
Will you choose to…
1. remain devastated, weighed down and heartbroken, or will you turn the challenge you face on its head, inverted and
2. rise above your challenge to make a difference in the world!
The choice is yours!
Thank you to all who continue to follow, read and share their feelings, thoughts and comments on my bullying posts. I would not have reached this point without you!
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Bullying is often experienced by children who;
Are shy or meek,
Are overweight or underweight,
Are neglected or dirty,
Have a learning difficulty,
Are taller than, shorter than or different from the average,
Have low confidence or self esteem,
Are seen as the high achiever; class swat, or
Are of an alternative ethnicity or race to the majority of the class
But our son didn’t fit into any of these categories… or so I thought,
and I was curious as to why he was targeted.
I asked him why he thought he was a victim of bullying…
He reminded me of a phase he went through in primary school when he grew his hair. For a while he was the only child with longer than average hair and then I realised this simple step, outside the norm, meant he had fallen into the “different” category…
Eventually the phase wore off and he cut his hair but it was too late…the foundations of bullying had been laid.
But during that conversation something very important struck me! As he was explaining his experience, he also added a… “BUT” or an “EXCUSE” as to why the bullies behaved this way…
He said…
“but the bully had issues of his own”
and
“but the other boy had ADHD”
and
“but another bully had a physical impediment and could easily have been bullied himself so he sided with the bully to protect himself.”
My initial reaction was how generous our son was, willing to make excuses and forgive their wrong-doing and destructive behaviour and all these statements made me feel proud;
speaking volumes about his personal values, his humanistic, empathetic private logic and how he saw the world,
but on reflection, it also made me sad;
it spoke volumes about valuing ourselves and expecting to be respected by others. It spoke of our son’s willingness to under-value himself. It spoke of the need for healthy boundaries and knowing when those boundaries have been disrespected.
And while I agree that each of those bullies probably had a difficult back story, or issue of their own…
victims of bullying are innocent and do not need to make excuses for or take ownership of the nasty behaviour or acts perpetrated by bullies. It is however, vital that victims learn the importance of self-respect.
So the bottom line is that it’s NOT OK that bullies treat you disrespectfully
And it’s NOT OK to make excuses for them. You deserve respect!
There is no BUT, there is no EXCUSE…
Have you been bullied? Do you fit into a stereotypical category? Have you made excuses for your bully? Do you still think there is an excuse?
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Did you know that every time your child is bullied, it leaves a mark, physical, emotional or psychological
And did you know that every time your child is bullied… so are you!
Every time you seek support and fail to get the support you need for your child, you and your family are being bullied again through neglect and broken, dysfunctional systems.
Don’t stand by and let that happen. Trust your gut instinct. If it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right!
Don’t stop looking for and expecting solutions until you receive some. If you failed to find answers in the past, don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty, instead, keep in mind this quote “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better” Maya Angelou.
Now, refocus you efforts and more determined than ever, continue your search for answers.
Have you ever felt bullied because your child was bullied? How did it make you feel? Did you listen to your intuitive gut feeling and renew your efforts to find answers?
You may like to start your search to find some of those answers here on Create Space in my Bullying & Beyond series, here are two suggestions,
Highest achievers?
The results of Ireland’s Leaving Certificate State Exam were released on the 13th of August.
This exam is the culmination of five years of study and it holds the key to the future of many students.
For months before the exams, which are held each year in June, two things happen.
1. Some students don’t cast the upcoming exams a thought.
2. Some students stress themselves to the point of mental and physical distress over sitting these exams.
For weeks before the results are released in August, two things happen.
1. Some students don’t cast the upcoming results a thought.
2. Some students stress themselves out worrying about the outcome or points they will achieve.
And that is the story of life.
The students at 1. above, takes things in their stride, they do not struggle with their emotions or become anxious.
The students at 2. above, are predisposed to an anxious nature. They struggle to handle their emotions and cope with stress.
And that is the human story or condition. We are all different, in how we see the world and how we cope in the world.
The Leaving Certificate acknowledges the high achievers and rightly so! It tabulates the results and rewards students accordingly. It is a grading system. It however, fails to grade students on how they function and cope emotionally or psychologically.
So please consider a few important things.
1. Look past the A4 sheet of Academic Outcomes and see that each student, teenager, boy, girl, non-gender, behind the A4 grading system is individual, unique, different and consider how they truly feel. They may not be the highest achiever in maths or biology but they might be the highest achiever in resilience or mental health management.
2. Don’t compare them to others. It doesn’t matter what their friends or peers got. Don’t expect them to get the same results. Do expect them to react or cope in very different ways and be there for them, if their world falls apart. Be calm, be capable and let them see that by supporting each other this will all work out!
3. If you are a teacher or parent and your student, son or daughter haven’t reached the exam stage yet, then make the most of it! Tell them, right the way through school, how unique and different they are. Watch out for and acknowledge their high achievements, whether it is academic or simply turning in for school. Remind them that they have numerous talents, some of which will be uncovered academically and many, many more which will only surface when they study at the college of life!
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx