Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Trigger alert…this post is upsetting.
Lives are destroyed by bullying.
Children’s mental, emotional and psychological health damaged not only in the short-term but often into the long-term.
Lives are lost, too often, to bullying. Children unable to cope with the torture inflicted on them by bullies sadly see no way out, other than to take their lives.
I might be writing this from Ireland and this story may refer to Yarraka Bayles, a boy on the other side of the world but the location is irrelevant… bullying is bullying and this is the reality for another child and another family. It is a horrific, upsetting reality.
This bullying is focused on dwarfism. But if it wasn’t about dwarfism it would be about anything else the bully decided they didn’t like about their victim such as their weight or even their accent. Take a few moments to educate yourself and then take a few moments to educate your children… because this is a reality that is totally avoidable and it is a reality no child or parents deserve!
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
When our son was being bullied and he told the bullies to ‘stop’ they wouldn’t stop. When we sought help in school we were told “Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.” When he stood up for himself and physically fought back, it stopped some of the bullies. Sometimes when one bully started a bout of verbal bullying others would join in and John would be out-numbered and unable to put an end to the unwanted taunting and teasing.
That sadly was the unpredictable and repeated reality for our son.
Some days school was what it was meant to be, a happy educational and social environment. He came home to us full of chat, in great form and ready to engage with after school sports or other hobbies.
But other days the school torment returned…
Slowly we noticed him retreat into himself and take refuge in his room. He started to delay getting ready for school and for his hobbies. We couldn’t understand what was happening to him. He couldn’t sleep and soon developed insomnia. We took him to his GP. Many rows centered around him always being late. He began to drop away from his hobbies and miss more time from school. We felt all our efforts to communicate in a positive and respectful manner were met instead with fits of temper. Now we know that he was unable to voice the painful abuse he was enduring, his behaviour was his only way of showing us his distress.
Bullies are cunning. Part of their power lies in the unpredictability of their attack and in their ability to silence and keep their victim in fear.
His tormentors knew that over time, with sustained and unpredictable abuse they could break him.
“I was only messing”,
“I was only having a laugh”,
These are just two excuses that children offer when they are caught bullying another child and challenged for their behaviour.
As parents or teachers it is important to discuss with all children what bullying is and what bullying isn’t. It is important to encourage children to talk about bullying, whether it is bullying they are experiencing, bullying they have witnessed or bullying they are perpetrating.
When boys are engaged in horseplay; which is a common way for adolescent boys to behave, the physicality is okay once all involved are willing participants. But if one child is being targeted by another child or by a group of children and being verbally or physically mistreated then this behaviour is unwarranted and needs to be addressed. Children buy into group behaviour and follow the lead of other more assertive children, often for fear of being a target themselves, if they don’t follow the bully’s lead.
As parents and teachers we can’t assume that all children understand when ‘messing,’ or ‘having a laugh,’ over-steps its boundary and is no longer just a bit of giddy fun.
Whether at home or in school, children need to be educated about bullying and made aware that when a child objects to any unwanted, continuous and upsetting behaviour, if it does not stop, then it is deliberate and willful bullying! If bullying is left uncontested it can and will undermine the victim’s physical, psychological and emotional wellbeing. If you would like to read about some of the consequences of bullying, we have shared our experiences in Bullying & Beyond… Painting the Pain, part one.
Have you ever discussed bullying with your child? Have you ever watched your child retreat into themselves as a result of bullying? Is “I was only messing” ever a good enough excuse?
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
I’m angry, and it’s not often I’m angry! I’m also amazed…amazed at how a word can evoke such angry emotion!
This word ‘Acquiesce,’ gives me such an uneasy feeling because for too long, despite our best efforts we were silenced in a system that was disjointed and had no cohesive plan in place.
Slowly, I knocked on every door. I struggled to be heard. I contacted every service. Finally, I discovered the flimsy support that was available. I wasn’t told this support existed. I uncovered it, step by painful step. I came to realise that every school in Ireland has access to a School Psychologist through NEPS.
Our school was one of those schools.
Here’s a small excerpt of what to expect… ”
What do you do if you think your child may need to be seen by a NEPS Psychologist?
You need to begin by discussing your child’s needs with the class teacher and/or school principal. Not every child needs to meet the psychologist in person. Each school makes referrals to their NEPS psychologist who helps the school to plan the work”
I rang a contact number, I spoke to the School Psychologist. I told her our son wanted to achieve his Leaving Certificate. I told her our son was being denied this opportunity because of the impact of bullying on his health. I reminded her that every child is entitled to an education.
Soon I got a phone call from that Psychologist, a meeting had been arranged with the school to discuss our son’s education.
It did not solve the issue. The impact of bullying on a child’s well-being and mental health does not disappear overnight but this State funded and readily available intervention went some way towards helping me realise that I was not alone, that we were not alone and that there were support services available that we had not been informed of!
And now I refuse to ‘acquiesce.’ I won’t, under any circumstances, accept, agree or allow something to happen by staying silent or by not arguing. I won’t acquiesce until I do my bit, no matter how small that may be!
I want to ensure victims, bullies, passive bullies (those who stand by gutless, watching and let the victims suffer), teachers, principals, parents, the community, society, and every nationality have a conversation. I want them to see the damage school bullying causes. I want to paint a picture of the pain it inflicts – a picture that leave you in no doubt of the long term effects of school bullying. Please help me break the silence and as we do this, together, please 1.Take Heart!
Have you or your children been bullied or silenced? Have you stood by and watched a victim suffer at the hands of a bully? What would you do differently now?
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Today I would like to share T.S’s very emotive, true story from his blog “Crazywriterof6.” As I read T.S’s distressing reality, I felt my body became anxious. I felt his apprehension and fear. His sense of loneliness and isolation is palpable. He says… “Maybe some of you can relate and see that even then, you weren’t alone”. No child should be in dread every day, isolated and living with the fear of bullying!
In my last post I wrote about the difficulty I had in supporting my children, both victims of bullying, because of the pressure on victims to remain silent. You might like to read it… Big Boys…Don’t Cry!
We now hear in T.S’s own words, his deeply ingrained and debilitating belief as to why he was bullied… “The torture continued. Many moments before this event, many after. I have written some of them out, just to get them out. All this because I was different than the “normal people”, different from what society says I should be. Different because I was overweight”. I believe he was not different… everybody is different and everybody has the right to be respected for who and how they are.
Please enhance your understanding by reading his story…
At a funeral yesterday, one sentence struck me, that sentence was “We could all be better people,” meaning we could all do more to be there for others.
Let’s break down the silence and begin a cross cultural, worldwide conversation about bullying. Let’s educate ourselves and our children about bullying and let’s tear down out-dated social norms.
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Whenever our daughter was bullied she would invariably come home upset and tell us or sometimes her upset would become obvious to us after a while, when we took the time to Really Listen!
It was always upsetting to see her so distressed, usually she felt very lonely having been excluded or she was confused and frustrated as to why she was constantly called names and verbally abused. But either way we could comfort her and reassure her that the bullying was not about her but always about the bullies.
However, it was not so easy to offer support when our son experienced bullying simply because you can’t help a child who is being bullied, if you don’t know about it.
For a long time, our son kept the bullying to himself and kept the upset deep inside. I think our son did not want to add to our worries by sharing the difficulty he was having. I also think another contributing factor to his silence, was social norms. These powerful messages or ways of behaving which are normalised within a society or culture are very powerful and from a young age, boys are conditioned to be tough, be manly, don’t be a cry-baby, a tell-tale, or “a grass,” running with the story to parents or teachers and above all, they are bombarded with the message that whatever you do… don’t cry!
If you’d like an excellent insight into bullying I highly recommend you visit Weeping Pines and read Parikhit’s post which shares his experience of bullying… Boys dont Cry
If you suspect your son is being bullied, discuss bullying in general while having dinner together. Point out that asking for help means being strong not weak. An analogy might be helpful such as saying: When you play hurling you don’t do everything alone – so it’s important to have a team around you in life too! It might also help to compare asking for help to being similar to training: A good sportsman needs to practice the things he is not good at or things that are new for him, so asking for help also takes practice.
Have you or your child been bullied? If so did cultural and social norms play a part in maintaining your distress?
Let’s get a conversation going about bullying! Let’s break down the silence around bullying and change some out-dated social and culturally accepted norms.
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Inverted means to turn (something) upside down
Or to change the position, order, or relationship of things so that they are the opposite of what they had been.
When you live with something challenging like bullying for long enough and see the destructive effect it has on you and your family, you need to realise that you have two choices, namely
1. stay trapped within the challenge, trying to escape, or
2. find the gift within the challenge and grow it!
When all else failed us as parents, and we could find no solution to the destructive effects bullying had on our children, we stopped trying to find the solutions we wanted to find.
We didn’t admit defeat but we accepted that this was where we were, nothing more, nothing less. We took our focus off all that had gone wrong. We shifted our lens to focus on building our resilience. We stepped back, paused and regrouped. Then we hit back with the most powerful weapon of all… love.
We opened ourselves up, to just love. We didn’t hold out expectations. We didn’t compare. We didn’t complain that life was unfair. We refocused instead on every positive we could find. We spoke from a place of positivity and within a short space of time we began to notice change!
And now, a mere 12 months later, our son has completed his first year in college and has spent his summer touring a number of European countries. Our daughter is pushing forward with her campaign to have Psychiatric Service Dogs recognised in Ireland and is in the process of training Ireland’s first every Psychiatric Service Dog, Doris. I’ve experienced, for myself, how cathartic (healing) writing and sharing is, especially when it is done within a safe and creative space, surrounded by a supportive community who identify with my posts and offer positive and affirming feedback. Because of this support I’ve written over thirty posts on the topic of bullying.
However, living with fibromyalgia/CFS means I have to constantly prioritise my time and energy. I don’t commit time to taking part in awards but I am always pleased to be nominated for an award and I am grateful to Terri for her thoughtful introduction which I’d like to share with you…
“Marie from Create Space.
Marie shares her family’s story of bullying, and the devastating effects it has on the mental health of those affected. Although the subject matter has the potential to be weighty and heartbreaking, Marie balances this by sharing how one can rise above the effects of bullying and make a difference in the world.”
So, when you face your next challenge, what will you choose?
Will you choose to…
1. remain devastated, weighed down and heartbroken, or will you turn the challenge you face on its head, inverted and
2. rise above your challenge to make a difference in the world!
The choice is yours!
Thank you to all who continue to follow, read and share their feelings, thoughts and comments on my bullying posts. I would not have reached this point without you!
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Did you know that every time your child is bullied, it leaves a mark, physical, emotional or psychological
And did you know that every time your child is bullied… so are you!
Every time you seek support and fail to get the support you need for your child, you and your family are being bullied again through neglect and broken, dysfunctional systems.
Don’t stand by and let that happen. Trust your gut instinct. If it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right!
Don’t stop looking for and expecting solutions until you receive some. If you failed to find answers in the past, don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty, instead, keep in mind this quote “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better” Maya Angelou.
Now, refocus you efforts and more determined than ever, continue your search for answers.
Have you ever felt bullied because your child was bullied? How did it make you feel? Did you listen to your intuitive gut feeling and renew your efforts to find answers?
You may like to start your search to find some of those answers here on Create Space in my Bullying & Beyond series, here are two suggestions,
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
In my previous post…Bullying & Beyond…23.Who cares?
I shared some of my guesses as to why victims of bullying hide how much they care.
Mich at Michnavs joined the conversation and her insightful comment got me thinking, so I’m breaking with my tradition of waiting to post at the weekend.
This is what Mich said… “Very well said Marie. I am fortunate to have been a teacher and a mother as well..having said that, I got to witness different behaviors and coping mechanisms of kids from different ages…and it’s not easy to spot a problematic or bullied kid…because sometimes they are really good at keeping it cool…but nevertheless I have kept a very mindful heart..”
This was my reply to Mich..
Thank you Mich, I appreciate your encouraging feedback. Thank you also for sharing your thoughts and experience. Bullies are very cunning, manipulative and powerful in their control over their victims, so you are correct in saying it’s not easy to spot a bullied child. Victims have many reasons, (as we’ve seen in my previous post), to become masters of disguise, making it very difficult for teachers of large classes and with ever increasing workloads, to detect a child who is struggling with bullying.
I really like your term a “mindful heart,” it is a good marriage of heart & mind and I envisage it being very Rogerian, (Carl Rogers), encompasing UPR (unconditional positive regard), empathy (being able to step into the victim’s shoes) and congruence (being your true, genuine & real self), all positive, powerful and necessary attributes for teachers, and the core conditions, enabling teachers create effective and theraputic relationships in their classrooms.
These core conditions are the foundation of every successful relationship be it in school, at home or in society.
Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
When you are the victim of bullying, you want people to care about you. You want them to understand how you feel but you behave in the exact opposite way. You pretend you don’t care to protect yourself. You put up a front, isolate yourself and sink further into despair. You believe teachers don’t care and you believe parents don’t care.
What gets in the way of caring? As a mother who has witnessed the impact of bullying on children, here are my guesses why children change their behaviour…
1. Fear that teachers/parents will utter one more disparaging remark about them in front of the other students/siblings.
2. Feeling stupid because they don’t want to be feeling like this but they can’t help it.
3. Feeling frustrated because they feel silenced by bullying.
3. Shame because no matter how much effort they’ve put in, they can’t break the cycle of bullying by themselves.
5. Worry that their resilience is at breaking point and being terrified of what will happen to them if they can’t cope.
6. Feeling worthless because they can see that other students/siblings around them are getting better marks or making progress.
7. Guilt that they are upsetting their teachers/parents and feeling that they are a burden.
Dear Teacher/Parent, please care! Please look beyond the puzzling behaviour that you, as a teacher or as a parent are seeing and realise that it is an ingenious front. Please look at the pain this child is in and see what “I don’t care that you don’t care” looks like. Please empower yourself to care by seeking advice, which will help you realise what really matters here, their mental health.
Have you/your child had similar feelings because of bullying?
Bullying & Beyond…Inverted
Inverted means to turn (something) upside down
Or to change the position, order, or relationship of things so that they are the opposite of what they had been.
When you live with something challenging like bullying for long enough and see the destructive effect it has on you and your family, you need to realise that you have two choices, namely
1. stay trapped within the challenge, trying to escape, or
2. find the gift within the challenge and grow it!
When all else failed us as parents, and we could find no solution to the destructive effects bullying had on our children, we stopped trying to find the solutions we wanted to find.
We didn’t admit defeat but we accepted that this was where we were, nothing more, nothing less. We took our focus off all that had gone wrong. We shifted our lens to focus on building our resilience. We stepped back, paused and regrouped. Then we hit back with the most powerful weapon of all… love.
We opened ourselves up, to just love. We didn’t hold out expectations. We didn’t compare. We didn’t complain that life was unfair. We refocused instead on every positive we could find. We spoke from a place of positivity and within a short space of time we began to notice change!
And now, a mere 12 months later, our son has completed his first year in college and has spent his summer touring a number of European countries. Our daughter is pushing forward with her campaign to have Psychiatric Service Dogs recognised in Ireland and is in the process of training Ireland’s first every Psychiatric Service Dog, Doris. I’ve experienced, for myself, how cathartic (healing) writing and sharing is, especially when it is done within a safe and creative space, surrounded by a supportive community who identify with my posts and offer positive and affirming feedback. Because of this support I’ve written over thirty posts on the topic of bullying.
I was recently nominated for an award by Terri at Reclaiming Hope. https://reclaiminghope.blog/
However, living with fibromyalgia/CFS means I have to constantly prioritise my time and energy. I don’t commit time to taking part in awards but I am always pleased to be nominated for an award and I am grateful to Terri for her thoughtful introduction which I’d like to share with you…
“Marie from Create Space.
Marie shares her family’s story of bullying, and the devastating effects it has on the mental health of those affected. Although the subject matter has the potential to be weighty and heartbreaking, Marie balances this by sharing how one can rise above the effects of bullying and make a difference in the world.”
So, when you face your next challenge, what will you choose?
Will you choose to…
1. remain devastated, weighed down and heartbroken, or will you turn the challenge you face on its head, inverted and
2. rise above your challenge to make a difference in the world!
The choice is yours!
Thank you to all who continue to follow, read and share their feelings, thoughts and comments on my bullying posts. I would not have reached this point without you!
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx