It only takes one bully to wreak havoc on a child’s life.
But likewise it only takes one mother to start a hope-filled conversation about bullying for things to change for the better!
This post was prompted by Cee’s photo prompt; the topic was 1 Item or the Number One.
Cee’s Fun Foto Challenge: 1 Item or the Number One
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie
When you are the victim of bullying, you want people to care about you. You want them to understand how you feel but you behave in the exact opposite way. You pretend you don’t care to protect yourself. You put up a front, isolate yourself and sink further into despair. You believe teachers don’t care and you believe parents don’t care.
What gets in the way of caring? As a mother who has witnessed the impact of bullying on children, here are my guesses why children change their behaviour…
1. Fear that teachers/parents will utter one more disparaging remark about them in front of the other students/siblings.
2. Feeling stupid because they don’t want to be feeling like this but they can’t help it.
3. Feeling frustrated because they feel silenced by bullying.
3. Shame because no matter how much effort they’ve put in, they can’t break the cycle of bullying by themselves.
5. Worry that their resilience is at breaking point and being terrified of what will happen to them if they can’t cope.
6. Feeling worthless because they can see that other students/siblings around them are getting better marks or making progress.
7. Guilt that they are upsetting their teachers/parents and feeling that they are a burden.
Dear Teacher/Parent, please care! Please look beyond the puzzling behaviour that you, as a teacher or as a parent are seeing and realise that it is an ingenious front. Please look at the pain this child is in and see what “I don’t care that you don’t care” looks like. Please empower yourself to care by seeking advice, which will help you realise what really matters here, their mental health.
Have you/your child had similar feelings because of bullying?
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
You can see I’m tiny but it doesn’t stop me…
Do what you can within the boundaries of your limitations… and then do a tiny bit more!
Le grà,
Socks & Marie xx
In this post I tried to share a parent’s exhilaration and gratitude at the sound of a toilet being flushed! I fully understand if you are confused and I invite you to step into my shoes by reading along…ACCEPTANCE!
Have you or your children struggled with the impact of school bullying? How did it impact your/their/your families life/lives? Can you recall the first sign of recovery and how it made you feel?
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
I’m always grateful when readers share their experiences with me, it starts a conversation on bullying and prompts further reflection.
I’d like to share two such responses to my post, Bullying & Beyond… 10.Painting the pain, part three.
Paula at Paula Light https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/74951
bravely said “I was bullied for being fat and nerdy and bad at sports. Thank God I could get away from the kids outside of school and escape into books and tv shows. I also found my own hobbies, such as needlepoint. But today, with social media, there’s no escape. That’s the worst ~ I can’t imagine the horror of never escaping the peer group.”
Parikhit Dutta at Weeping Pines https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/56154764
responded with empathy saying…
“I’m so glad for you Paula. It can be so frustrating to live the pains of bullying always, never being able to escape. And isn’t it a silent killer”.
My thanks to both Paula and Parikhit for prompting this post.
I can, from experience, confirm that bullying via social media is as noxious as poison gas, it is a silent killer!
One Christmas while we were enjoying a family gathering our daughter was suffering in silence in the midst of us, as bullies targeted her with vile and upsetting messages on social media. We were oblivious to this happening until our daughter could no longer contain her distress and broke down telling us. Even after the girls in question were reprimanded and made close their social media accounts, the bullying continued because they were able to create new accounts using fake identification.
Bullying & Beyond… 10.Painting the Pain, part one.
Social media enables bullies to infiltrate the victim’s home; often the only safe space victims have. Online bullying is omnipresent, affecting children, adults and even Politicians, as we’ve seen during the United Kingdom’s Brexit attempts.
When bullying is frequent and continues over a protracted period it can cripple the victim leaving them distressed and confused. The implications can be life long, leaving them with low confidence and self-esteem, and can cause them intense dislike of themselves for being too fat, too thin, nerdy, shy or a miriad of other perfectly normal human characteristics just because a bully decided these traits were “unacceptable”.
Other sign of distress can include mood swings, anxiety, depression, insomnia, panic attacks, eating disorders, OCD, and finally but not exhaustively, self-harm until another innocent, tormented life could be lost to bullying.
Having witnessed the effect of online bullying I’d like to highlight to parents the distress children feel at, the horror of never escaping from this silent killer.” I’d also like to stress the lasting impact of bullying and encourage parents, adults & society to be vigilant.
Have you or your children been bullied? Did you/they experience “the horror of never escaping the peer group” because of the pervasiveness of social media? Did you watch this silent killer in action?
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
If you notice your child avoiding situations,
If you notice your child withdrawing into themselves,
If your child has lost their joviality and are becoming anxious and depressed,
If your child is having emotional outbursts,
If you know your child wants to achieve goals but appears paralysed,
If your child shows perfectionist traits and is clearly disappointed by not living up to the high standards they set themselves, then…
You have every right to be… suspicious of bullying!
We’ve been there and our suspicions were correct…
But don’t despair…Bullying & Beyond…1.Take Heart!
Does this resonate with you? Has your child experienced bullying? Please share your thoughts with me?
Much love,
Mindfully Marie xx
Our son was having on-going problems with school bullying, resulting in school refusal and self-isolation, shared in Bullying & Beyond… 10.Painting the pain, part three.
While searching for support, I was told, by an adult in a position of responsibility that our son… “needed to be more resilient.”
I found their statement to be judgemental. Being judged by an adult and found lacking is not what any child needs when they are suffering because of bullying.
It’s true, being more resilient makes life easier.
It’s also true that children can be over sensitive and they need to be able to identify the difference between occasional teasing, and the type of verbal or physical abuse which deliberately sets out to do harm.
When behaviour has the goal or intention to deliberately hurt, and happens on an regular basis, it wears down a child’s resilience.
Children who are being bullied need empathy. They need their issues to be acknowledged and they need to be affirmed by a statement that says “You are very resilient to have coped with bullying for so long.”
The victim needs to be reassured that the problem lies with the bully, and not with them.
They also need to be informed of what action will be taken and a review date needs to be set. Sticking to the review date is vitally important as the victim has been rendered voiceless by constant bullying and will have lost trust in those around them. We can gain their trust when we live up to our word and prove that we are trust worthy.
It is vitally important that a pro-active approach to bullying is fostered in every school to ensure that every victim of bullying is guaranteed the respect they deserve in a bully free zone.
Have you or your children experienced bullying? Was your child’s resilience worn down? Did anybody have empathy for them and did it make a difference?
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
As hard as I’ve tried, I can’t paint the pain of bullying experienced by our son because the canvas is blank and will remain blank as our son, kept almost all of the painful details to himself.
What I can paint is what we as parents noticed at home, which included, his frustration shown through nasty comments and angry outbursts. His loss of interest in his hobbies. His withdrawal into himself. His sleep pattern changed dramatically, unable to get to sleep resulting in him sleeping longer into the morning and soon he developed insomnia. He was awake at night and asleep during the day. We slowly noticed a real change in his pleasant and warm personality. All these changes led to self-isolation and school refusal.
We stood by helplessly, watching our warm, outgoing, resilient child slowly disengage from all aspects of his normal functioning life.
This did not happen over-night. Being bullied was something that chipped away at his resilience and eventually over years, wore him down.
Every child, no matter their age, sex, nationality, colour or faith is entitled to attend school, to feel happy and included. They deserve to achieve, to the best of their ability, without the fear of bullying and its devastating effects.
The pain of his upset is still visceral as I recall and share these memories. It hurts because I realise, yet again, that the sheer frustration and powerlessness we felt came from feeling unheard in a broken system. This feeling of isolation compounded the impact bullying was having on our family.
Thankfully we have, as a family and individually, empowered ourselves to move forward whilst not diminishing the pain of the past. But instead wanting to put our learning to the service of others. You might like to read our son’s attitude, Bullying…”I am grateful for it all”…
Have you or your children experienced bullying? Did it wear down your child’s resilience? Did it render you silent and make you feel powerless?
I would love to hear your experience so that together we can let other families know that they are not alone.
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
