Your son or daughter arrives home from school, you know by their mood and verbal and non-verbal behaviour that they are upset. Maybe you notice they are avoiding you, they resist talking to you about their day or they might even tell you lies, pretending there is nothing wrong.
You might witness their mood deteriorating further and that might include them turning their frustration on you by shouting, blaming and generally behaving disrespectfully.
You are likely at this point to notice your temper rising and your patience being tested. This is the crucial moment…try to avoid the hook, try to resist being sucked into the argument. Getting caught up in a two way shouting match serves no purpose!
Try to be mindful that this behaviour is your son or daughter’s way of coping with the upset they are feeling as a result of being bullied.
They are trying to cope by literally tossing some of their upset off themselves and onto you. The very best thing that you can do is avoid becoming emotional.
Instead, calmly and patiently see if you can get to the root of the problem. What is the underlying issue? If the emotional outburst continues, again, calmly but firmly inform your child that you refuse to deal with them while they behave this way and set a time to talk later, when they have calmed down. Then walk away, leave the environment.
Importantly, now is a good time to think of self-care (you might like to read my previous post Here)
Once you have practiced some self-care you will be feeling much calmer and in a better place to help your child.
It is vitally important that at the appointed time or when your child has calmed down that you follow up with them and try to ascertain the difficulty they are having. If you do, you are showing them that their issue is of concern to you. You are also building the most important aspect in your relationship, and that is… trust.
UPDATE…
I would like to thank Jennifer @ Tea With Jennifer for this insight which she kindly gave me permission to share with you.
“From a therapist’s viewpoint the behavior of the child is a form of communication, communicating that they are in crisis & can’t verbalize it correctly.
So they start acting out subconsciously, thus bringing attention to the crisis within them. Fear often manifests itself as anger in many especially males.
Blessings,
Jennifer”
There are many other great insights to be found at Jennifer’s blog…
Have you ever experienced a situation similar to the above? What happened during it? How did you handle it? Please share, I’d love to hear your experience.
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
Bullying & Beyond…Inverted
Inverted means to turn (something) upside down
Or to change the position, order, or relationship of things so that they are the opposite of what they had been.
When you live with something challenging like bullying for long enough and see the destructive effect it has on you and your family, you need to realise that you have two choices, namely
1. stay trapped within the challenge, trying to escape, or
2. find the gift within the challenge and grow it!
When all else failed us as parents, and we could find no solution to the destructive effects bullying had on our children, we stopped trying to find the solutions we wanted to find.
We didn’t admit defeat but we accepted that this was where we were, nothing more, nothing less. We took our focus off all that had gone wrong. We shifted our lens to focus on building our resilience. We stepped back, paused and regrouped. Then we hit back with the most powerful weapon of all… love.
We opened ourselves up, to just love. We didn’t hold out expectations. We didn’t compare. We didn’t complain that life was unfair. We refocused instead on every positive we could find. We spoke from a place of positivity and within a short space of time we began to notice change!
And now, a mere 12 months later, our son has completed his first year in college and has spent his summer touring a number of European countries. Our daughter is pushing forward with her campaign to have Psychiatric Service Dogs recognised in Ireland and is in the process of training Ireland’s first every Psychiatric Service Dog, Doris. I’ve experienced, for myself, how cathartic (healing) writing and sharing is, especially when it is done within a safe and creative space, surrounded by a supportive community who identify with my posts and offer positive and affirming feedback. Because of this support I’ve written over thirty posts on the topic of bullying.
I was recently nominated for an award by Terri at Reclaiming Hope. https://reclaiminghope.blog/
However, living with fibromyalgia/CFS means I have to constantly prioritise my time and energy. I don’t commit time to taking part in awards but I am always pleased to be nominated for an award and I am grateful to Terri for her thoughtful introduction which I’d like to share with you…
“Marie from Create Space.
Marie shares her family’s story of bullying, and the devastating effects it has on the mental health of those affected. Although the subject matter has the potential to be weighty and heartbreaking, Marie balances this by sharing how one can rise above the effects of bullying and make a difference in the world.”
So, when you face your next challenge, what will you choose?
Will you choose to…
1. remain devastated, weighed down and heartbroken, or will you turn the challenge you face on its head, inverted and
2. rise above your challenge to make a difference in the world!
The choice is yours!
Thank you to all who continue to follow, read and share their feelings, thoughts and comments on my bullying posts. I would not have reached this point without you!
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx