
In my first post about bullying I wrote about the importance of not losing heart, Bullying & Beyond…1.Take Heart!
In this post I’d like to focus on the importance of listening…
2. REALLY LISTEN!
Children come home from school and everyday we ask them the same questions… How was your day? What did you do? Tell me something you learned. Did you have fun? Often it’s the case that we get the same answers. We fall into a habit… habitual behaviour, repeating what we always do and as a result we often miss out on subtle signs of bullying.
If you suspect your child is being bullied, I can’t stress enough, how important it is to REALLY LISTEN!
When your children arrive home or you collect them from school, put down your phone. Pause from your cleaning or cooking. Turn off the TV and listen to what your children are saying. Also try to hear what they might not be saying. They may not have the words to say it or they might be too frightened to talk about what is happening but their body language or a change in their behaviour might reveal a whole lot more.
Some examples could include;
Your child might become argumentative, almost trying to pick a fight with you or their siblings.
They might become withdrawn and sullen or go silent.
They might damage some of their belongings or some household items.
They might restrict their food.
They might disengage from their favourite hobbies or interests.
They might also have trouble sleeping. And as a result become chronically sleep deprived, develop insomnia which affects their body clock, sleeping during the day, unable to sleep at night. All this affects behavior, mood and ability to function.
These changes will all be out of character.
Test yourself…can you fully recall their last conversation with you? If not, ask yourself why not? Did you pay full attention or were you thinking of other things you needed to do? Nothing is as important as being fully present with your child and really listening. Practice being fully present and challenge yourself to recall your last communication with your child.
I hope you find this helpful and would love to hear from you.
Have you or your children experienced bullying? How did it impact you or your child? Did it cause a change in behaviour? Did really listening improve your situation?
Much love,
Mindfully Marie xx
November 30, 2018 at 10:07 pm
Marie this post is so powerful and profound … this actually fully listening is so essential to all our relationships … you wrote well and from the heart, thanks so much!
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November 30, 2018 at 10:41 pm
I think social media has created a culture of talking while listening has sadly become unfashionable. Thank you for reading and your positive feedback Kate!
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December 1, 2018 at 2:03 am
please keep it up … people need to hear this … I will reblog later today!
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December 1, 2018 at 9:58 am
Kate I’m glad you see this as a topic worth sharing. I appreciate your support and really hope our journey can inform and encourage others! Large Irish hug and much love, Marie xx
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November 30, 2018 at 11:29 pm
Being present is so important!
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November 30, 2018 at 11:59 pm
Thank you for your visit, reading and taking time to respond Alexis Rose, for being present! I fully agree with you!! Being present is the best present we can give someone! Xx
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December 1, 2018 at 12:48 am
This is great advice Marie! As you said, we need to put down our phones, take a pause, and really listen. Whether we’re talking about our children being bullied or about our loved ones feeling valued, the best gift we can give them is our undivided attention. Another great post, dear friend! Blessings to you!
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December 1, 2018 at 9:54 am
I agree Terri, it’s important to give our undivided attention in every situation. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and your blessings! Xx
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December 1, 2018 at 4:11 pm
Excellent advice Marie. Children want and need attention and compete for attention…….and we should listen. My daughter has five children under the age of fourteen and it is a constant competition between them to get attention. Fortunately they have not been subject to bullying. They go to a school that has a very strict principal and very strict rules. Students are not allowed to even touch another student, throwing snow is banned along with playing ball at recess. Washrooms are kept locked and students have to ask for a key for access. Going to school in a vastly different era I am conflicted about these rules and ” safe spaces” for our children, but I guess time will tell.
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December 1, 2018 at 10:16 pm
Hi Lensdailydiary, thank you! I appreciate your encouragement! Also thank you for reading and taking time to share your experience. Accentuating the positive and often ignoring the negative can be a helpful strategy with young children. Also giving each child individual time is very powerful. I’m so delighted that bullying has not raised its ugly head for your grandchildren! Whilst I would commend a Principal who has a zero tolerence of bullying, I too would question the authoritarian approach which is over controlling and can disempower. An authoritative approach based on respect, firm boundaries and shared valued can have an empowering impact. But better over cautious than under vigilant and time, as you say, will tell!
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December 1, 2018 at 8:36 pm
I think the hardest part about having a child who is being bullied is learning how to simply listen when they are talking about what is happening, and how they feel about it. Our instinct is to jump in, express our outrage and in general take over. Sometimes, we do have to step in to stop it, but even on those occasions, it’s important that we first really listen to what the child has to say. They need to talk about it, and being taken seriously by an adult they trust is the first step towards coping, I think. Great post!
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December 1, 2018 at 10:38 pm
Thank you Ann! I agree that it’s instinctive to want to take over and just solve the problem! Creating a space that’s safe for talking is important, like technology free dinner time around the table or when together on a car journey. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts!
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December 1, 2018 at 8:41 pm
Thank you so much for sharing all of this. Thank you for being willing to help the rest of us.
(((HUGS)))
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December 1, 2018 at 10:41 pm
Gosh, that’s so nice of you to say! I’d love to think that our experience could be supportive! Warm Irish hugs back! Xx
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December 1, 2018 at 11:23 pm
Great advice!
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December 1, 2018 at 11:24 pm
Thank you Dee, for reading and for your encouraging comment!
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December 2, 2018 at 12:31 am
Wise counsel Marie,
Blessings,
Jennifer
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December 2, 2018 at 12:47 am
Thank you for your support! Warm hugs. Xx
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December 2, 2018 at 12:47 pm
This is so True. Thanks to Kate of arousedblog for this link.
Fortunately until now I never had any experience of bullying with me or my son but listening to him and paying attention to his short stories has helped developing a strong mother son bonding,
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December 2, 2018 at 1:54 pm
I’m so delighted you have worked at developing a strong bond with your son. It is not something that comes about by itself, it must be practiced, so well done you! This bond is very important, especially when they enter the teen stage as they are more likely to share any problems they have with you. I’m glad bullying has not been an issue in your lives. Thank you for reading and replying! Xx
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December 2, 2018 at 3:33 pm
Thanks Marie.
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December 2, 2018 at 5:31 pm
My pleasure!
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December 2, 2018 at 2:18 pm
Adults, as well as children, get bullied also and the key is assure them they can share and you will listen with and open mind and let them know they are not alone and will stand by them….. 🙂
“When a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy the friend by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.”
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December 2, 2018 at 5:29 pm
True, bullying is across the board Dutch, bullies don’t discriminate! But knowing somebody has your back and is there for you can make a big difference!
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December 3, 2018 at 4:31 am
Thank you so much for this post! I have been a victim of bullying in school and it sure is a rotten feeling to live with. More so when you voice goes unheard. ‘Oh you are a boy! You have to learn to deal with it’. It took me years to come out of it and even now, when I think about the time was, it shakes me up. I found the courage to write a post on it and prayed that this silent crime, which many think of as innocent jibe, ends. Thank you again.
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December 3, 2018 at 4:46 pm
Parikhit thank you for your encouraging words, for reading and for sharing your experience. Being bullied, including verbal abuse such as those ‘innocent jibes’ on a constant basis, chisels away at our confidence and self-esteem until we give way under the pressure but your story is so encouraging because despite all this you found the courage to move forward, write and share your story! I hope you are rightly proud of your resilience. I look forward to reading your post!
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December 3, 2018 at 5:23 pm
Thank you so much Marie! You are right when you say it chisels away the confidence and you are pushed into the trenches of self-doubt. But when there are empathic souls around they find a way to pull you back and set you on your feet 🙂
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December 3, 2018 at 7:55 pm
So true Parikhit and beautifully said!
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December 3, 2018 at 10:21 pm
Can you share the link with me please?
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December 4, 2018 at 3:04 am
Most definitely. Here is the link.
https://duttaparikhit.wordpress.com/2018/07/20/boys-dont-cry/
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December 5, 2018 at 10:16 am
I have read and commented. I can hear from your writing that you have come to realise the endless potential you possess; which made you the envy of those bullies and it’s clear to see that you are all the wiser and stronger as a result. Enjoy being you! Xx
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December 5, 2018 at 10:21 am
And thank you so much for the encouragement and support. It means a lot, a lot, to me 🙂
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December 5, 2018 at 10:28 am
It lifts my heart and spirit to know I can be a positive influence for you. Xx
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December 5, 2018 at 2:02 pm
And I truly glad for that 🙂
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December 3, 2018 at 4:54 pm
This is such a profound and powerful post. Thanks for sharing the tips to look out for bullying. Being a mom I always try my best to have an open communication with my on.
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December 3, 2018 at 5:49 pm
Thank you Megha for your encouraging comment. I’m glad you found it helpful. Making time for good communication is very important and makes those difficult times such as the teen years much easier! I hope you are proud of your active approach. Xx
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December 3, 2018 at 5:53 pm
My pleasure. Though my son is 8 years old but we talk opening about his feelings and bullying and emotions around it.Its a sensitive topic and needs conversation and attention from both the sides.
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December 3, 2018 at 7:59 pm
You are starting a great habit and at the right age Megha! When he is older it will feel natural and ok to come to you and voice his worries. You are a great role model!
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December 3, 2018 at 10:56 pm
Thanks I try my best.I knwo there still be some problems but atlest he will be aware and prepared
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December 4, 2018 at 12:26 pm
very good advice, Marie. Especially, noticing what your children are not saying. They may not be able to communicate it. My children are grown now, but I had one communicator and one non. We had to watch his behavior. It does require setting aside distraction and focusing in.
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December 4, 2018 at 3:23 pm
Glad you agree Brenda and well said “It does require setting aside distraction and focusing in.” Hope you are well, thanks for your visit!
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December 6, 2018 at 1:16 pm
Excellent advice – if we want our kids to talk to us, we need to listen first.
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December 6, 2018 at 3:21 pm
Thanks Shelley, it’s a good habit for sure!
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December 7, 2018 at 12:57 pm
So incredibly true. I often times try to work – I’m a stay at home mom, before the children arrive home from school. I’ll shut off my computer about 10 minutes before they arrive home. That way I know I won’t be distracted. After they’ve arrive and I have attended to them, I’ll continue what I was working on.
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December 7, 2018 at 2:35 pm
That sounds like a great strategy, it ensures you get your work done but it also makes time for good communication and bonding. Thanks for reading and joining the discussion. Xx
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December 7, 2018 at 5:19 pm
Yes, exactly! We do what we can to always ensure they know they’re being heard.
Thank you!
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December 7, 2018 at 10:20 pm
wow your posts are really resonating with so many … incredible comments here Marie, well done!
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December 7, 2018 at 10:58 pm
You are too kind Kate! I am delighted to be finally at a place where I am able to share some of our journey and I’m grateful for your role in helping me find the key to taking that first step!
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December 8, 2018 at 4:17 am
that so many are commenting from the heart proves that you have touched so many, well done Marie 🙂
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December 8, 2018 at 8:07 am
Thanks Kate and your reblog had a part to play in that! Xx
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December 8, 2018 at 8:10 am
hey anything to help a good cause 🙂
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March 23, 2019 at 5:31 pm
Such a brilliant post, Marie. To really listen is so important, both to the things said and the things not said, verbally and with body language. xx
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March 23, 2019 at 7:25 pm
Thank you so much Caz, I’m glad you think so. I think it’s so easy be distracted by the pressures of life and social media and it takes practice to stay in the moment and really listen. Xx
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March 23, 2019 at 5:44 pm
Social media and phone have decease the amount of listening. I go to see the patients and they won’t pay attention, and will continue talking on the phone. I see 2 years old watching cartoon on the phone. Social media has decreased the actual social interaction.
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March 23, 2019 at 7:29 pm
Thank you Mannu, I fully agree and find it sad that very young children get access to phones. Social interaction is so important for language acquisition.
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March 24, 2019 at 8:16 am
Those are hard questions to write answers to. Each child I have is a different personality. A few I fight their battles… Others I let them struggle some. They need to learn to survive the battles ahead.
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March 24, 2019 at 8:58 am
Yes, I guess they are difficult C.T, but then again so is parenting as you so rightly point out, when we understand one child that is not a recipe for success with any other child, each is individual and has to be treated individually but they all need to value themselves and expect nothing but respect. Then they will have the power to use their voice and ensure they are not the victim of bullying or be willing to stand by and allow another child be bullied. Thanks for joining in the conversation!
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March 24, 2019 at 10:12 am
Wow, it is so heartfelt and powerful, and I am so happy that you share and write exactly what you write. To be open and able to talk about it and not to talk it to silence, it is incredibly important I mean. As you reach the world, I can see the commitment in your comment field. I am cheering for you, and greatful for that you speak out, thank you❤️And I think you are brave too, because you open your heart and soul🦋
Hugs🦋
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March 24, 2019 at 11:14 am
Gosh, Orchid daughter your words are so affirming and they draw me to the verge of tears. I so appreciate having your encouraging company on this journey. My dream is to help other families and children see that they are not alone and to encourage them to use their voice and ensure they do not feel powerless! I’ll gladly accept your hugs and send warm Irish hugs to you. Xx
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March 24, 2019 at 3:32 pm
You are so wonderful and I can understand you well that you want to use your voice. It’s so important. It gives me thoughts and memories back to the little girl I was. I always smiled bravely and was kind. There was no one who looked through my smile or my tearful eyes …It means a whole world for those who are seen and the feeling of not being alone or outside is very important❤️
We have similar dream🦋and ofcourse my heart is also caring for them younger who have become addicted to drugs too🦋
❤️
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March 24, 2019 at 11:50 am
This is a powerful message! Truly believe in this. Listening and encouraging are key. Hugs to you!
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March 24, 2019 at 2:17 pm
Thank you Lisa, that’s very encouraging to hear. Xx
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March 25, 2019 at 2:02 am
I was lucky in that my children were only bullied a little bit, and were able to talk to me about it. Together, we came up with some coping strategies, and mostly, I was aware of the situation and able to help if needed. Plus, they really knew home was always a “safe place!”
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March 25, 2019 at 7:09 am
Thank you for sharing your experience Ann and I’m delighted to hear that you were able to keep the line of communication open. This is so important and also not an easy thing if they are struggling with the teen stage. When home is a safe place, it gives welcome protection and a reprieve from bullying. Also you point out another important factor, the duration over which bullying occurs; duration and frequency, can be the difference between bullying being upsetting but maneagable, or it having a serious impact and long lasting repercussions. Thank you for sharing so many insights Ann. Le grà, Marie
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March 27, 2019 at 1:42 pm
Hi Marie,
Bullying is a terrible act.
I remember when Owen (now almost 18) was bulled at school.
Whatever he did, said, brought for lunch, none of it was good but HAD to be picked on by bullies,
He was little in stature and wore glasses.
Thankfully, he has grown into himself but still, he is a sensitive soul.
Kind regards,
Kavita
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March 27, 2019 at 4:00 pm
It sure is Kavita but I’m glad Owen has over come those difficult times. What do you think helped him overcome this challenging time?
I think he has you to thank for standing strong behind him and for his sensitive kind soul. Bullies pick on anything possible, just to undermine and upset. Thanks for being part of this conversation. Xx
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March 27, 2019 at 4:52 pm
I’ve had to be there for him. His Gran was too, we all were but the damage was done Marie.
Now I do not explain my child, I just support him. Silently and in ways we both know.
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March 27, 2019 at 9:58 pm
I agree, no matter how much you try, bullying still has a huge impact but he will remember that you and his Gran were there to support him. Be kind to yourself too. Xx
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July 6, 2019 at 9:25 pm
They might also have trouble sleeping. And as a result become chronically sleep deprived – which affects behavior and mood. The layers can build up. Paying attention is crucial. Listening is a big part of it. Very informative post.
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July 6, 2019 at 10:38 pm
Thank you, I hadn’t thought to include that which is strange considering insomnia was a major symptoms of bullying in our son’s case. And yes, over time it totally disrupted his sleep pattern and ability to function.
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July 8, 2019 at 9:49 pm
Powerful post Marie. There’s so much wisdom in what is said and in their non-verbal cues as well. We need to be open and aware as you highlighted. 💗
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July 8, 2019 at 9:54 pm
Thank you Bernice, I really appreciate that! Too often we are distracted, too busy, on social media, all these are felt by the child as they try to gain your attention but fail. Xx
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July 8, 2019 at 10:25 pm
Such a relief that folks are becoming more aware of bullying — this is a great reminder — & we should all do our best to listen to each other of all ages ❤
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July 9, 2019 at 4:58 am
Opening up conversations on bullying is a good starting point da-AL, thank you for joining in!
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July 8, 2019 at 10:47 pm
It is important to note that you put emphasis on mothers being too busy doing household chores that they seemed not to notice every single change there is in their child’s behavior. You are right by saying “put down your phones, or let go of your cooking first”… really communicate to your kids..and know that in their silence, something good or something bad could be happening..either way a mother has to be there to usher and help their kids process the emotions involving any change
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July 9, 2019 at 5:11 am
Thanks Mich good point, yes being too busy or often even ‘thinking’ we are too busy to pause and make dedicated listening time is often just a habit and one we can change once we are aware of our behaviour. This can also include dads, grandparents or any carer looking after children, it is not limited to mothers. Thanks for joining in. Xx
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July 30, 2019 at 7:21 pm
So important to keep in mind!
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July 30, 2019 at 8:01 pm
Thank you Chocoviv! It is easy to forget and it takes practice!
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July 30, 2019 at 8:33 pm
You are welcome!
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March 7, 2020 at 12:48 am
thank you for sharing all of this…..
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March 7, 2020 at 6:04 am
Thank you Wendi! If it can ease the distress for even one family then I feel happy to have made a difference! Xx
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March 7, 2020 at 2:23 pm
🙂 you are such a beautiful soul…..
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March 7, 2020 at 2:27 pm
Thanks Wendi that is so kind! Xx
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March 7, 2020 at 2:31 pm
you are very welcome….
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March 9, 2020 at 11:45 pm
So very true and so very important. I know firsthand how important it is to really listen to our kids. To everyone really but at home it’s crucial.
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March 10, 2020 at 4:38 pm
I agree Miriam, so very important! Sounds logical and simple but it’s amazing how easy it is to do everything but listen!
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March 12, 2020 at 11:01 am
I’ve had to learn this with my own daughters, especially the youngest. I’ve noticed an improvement, but we still have good and bad days.Thanks for sharing.
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March 12, 2020 at 5:18 pm
Thanks for reading & sharing your experience Mark! Every child is different so what works with one won’t for another. The main thing is your awareness of the situtation. I found travelling in the car was always a good place for talking as there’s very little eye contact, which can make it easier to open up an upsetting topic. Some tips coming up next post. Best of luck!
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March 22, 2020 at 5:32 am
So important to really listen to your children (as I’ve written in one of my own posts about parental superpowers). I recently took my son out of school. It was his first year in secondary. He had begun to show a few of the behaviours you mention, including not eating much. It’s not easy, as a parent, to know what’s ‘normal’, what’s ‘growing pains’, and what’s more serious. I know it was the right thing for me to take him out of school. He’s in a happier place now, thankfully. And his appetite has also become healthy – he’s eating us out of house and home! Thanks for this supportive site.
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