Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Whenever our daughter was bullied she would invariably come home upset and tell us or sometimes her upset would become obvious to us after a while, when we took the time to Really Listen!
It was always upsetting to see her so distressed, usually she felt very lonely having been excluded or she was confused and frustrated as to why she was constantly called names and verbally abused. But either way we could comfort her and reassure her that the bullying was not about her but always about the bullies.
However, it was not so easy to offer support when our son experienced bullying simply because you can’t help a child who is being bullied, if you don’t know about it.
For a long time, our son kept the bullying to himself and kept the upset deep inside. I think our son did not want to add to our worries by sharing the difficulty he was having. I also think another contributing factor to his silence, was social norms. These powerful messages or ways of behaving which are normalised within a society or culture are very powerful and from a young age, boys are conditioned to be tough, be manly, don’t be a cry-baby, a tell-tale, or “a grass,” running with the story to parents or teachers and above all, they are bombarded with the message that whatever you do… don’t cry!
If you’d like an excellent insight into bullying I highly recommend you visit Weeping Pines and read Parikhit’s post which shares his experience of bullying… Boys dont Cry
If you suspect your son is being bullied, discuss bullying in general while having dinner together. Point out that asking for help means being strong not weak. An analogy might be helpful such as saying: When you play hurling you don’t do everything alone – so it’s important to have a team around you in life too! It might also help to compare asking for help to being similar to training: A good sportsman needs to practice the things he is not good at or things that are new for him, so asking for help also takes practice.
Have you or your child been bullied? If so did cultural and social norms play a part in maintaining your distress?
Let’s get a conversation going about bullying! Let’s break down the silence around bullying and change some out-dated social and culturally accepted norms.
Hi... failte (Irish for welcome! and pronounced fall-thhha).
I'm a newbie to blogging, here just over a year, but what a great year it has been!
I've turned the corner to 50 recently and two things become more relevant...time and experiences!
Material possessions are less important! Using time wisely and truly experiencing each day holds a new significance for me!
If you wish..., a little of the back story...
I''m blessed to be married to a kind and loving man for 28 years, we have two children now 19 and 21.
As I approached 40 and searching for something more, whilst holding down my then part-time legal secretarial work, I trained as a voluntary adult literacy tutor, with the hope of helping adults improve their literacy skills and have a second, and better experience of learning!
However, little did I think that wanting to help others improve their lives would see my own life improve beyond measure also!
You see for years I found it difficult to know what to do as I watched our two children suffer at the hands of bullies. Their struggle began to change when I returned to education! Through education I slowly gained valuable knowledge, I grew in confidence and self-esteme and it had a ripple effect!
By 2014, aged 47 I had completed a Higher Certificate in Literacy Development and a B.A. in Adult Education. I love my work as an adult educator, particularly when adults trust me enough to let down their defences and 'let me in'. Then I can help them by getting to know what makes them 'tic' and what 'lights their fire!'.
As an added bonus along the way I've realised that I also have a love of writing and that writing is cathartic (providing psychological relief through written expression of built up emotions), both for my students and myself. This blog enables me to pursue that new-found interest and I've really enjoying reading your blogs, sharing comments, getting to know so many people and gaining new perspectives. I also like to share any little 'gems' of learning I've gathered along the way!
Thanks for sharing your stories and for helping me realise that it is all possible...and that together we write a truly better story!
Much love,
Marie x
Unfortunately, bullying has become far too common & much more aggressive in recent times…
We see this in the rising incidence of domestic violence resulting in partner death in the western world. The ultimate form of bullying.
Filming fights & bullying stunts for Social Media…& social media bullying & trolling have become power plays in schools in this modern age. Making a serious issue into a form of entertainment!
Has your son been able to verbalize now, years later, what was actually going through his thoughts back then & why he didn’t share what was going on?
Blessings,
Jennifer
I couldn’t agree more Jennifer, social media has enabled bullying to flourish and worst of all it can access them and invade what used to be a childs safe space – their home. And thanks for asking, Yes we accessed excellent counselling psychology, psychotherapy and reading material. Xx
Thanks Kate! I’m here to encourage a shared conversation about bullying and the domino effect it has. I’m only too delighted to learn from and share other peoples’ experiences, its impact and how they overcame the abuse or not. Xx
Thank you so much Marie for the link 🙂 You are right, we associate the idea of being macho with men and that they need to upload that construed idea that society demands. And that adds to the problem. You posts are always so insightful.
Thank you. The other day when I was walking to work I overheard two women lamenting that they hate it when a man cries. I felt like stopping them and telling them. May be I’ll write about it.
That’s exactly what’s needed Parikhit, to talk about it, to write about it, to challenge these ingrained, outdated ways of thinking and behaving. If you write about it be sure and let me know!
Bullying is tough. Most of us face it at some time or another, and each time we just have to figure out the best way to power through. I got my kids lessons at the local dojo. Only one of them ended up ever having to get physical, but it was reassuring knowledge for them to have.
I always hope the experience will leave kids with some sort of empathy, rather than just a desire to come out on top.
Is dojo a self defence class? How empathetic they are I would say depends on each individual as they obviously have issues of their own which drive their destructive behaviour. Thank you for joining in the conversation Cathleen and I’m glad your child was able to stand their ground!
We have to break down the myth that boys who express insecurity over how they look/feel are called “weak” or “sensitive”. I’ve seen fathers pat their sons on the back and tell them “man up, boys don’t cry.”
How sad is that Bernice when a child can’t allow themselves to show any emotion but we can make a difference one conversation at a time! Hope you are well and enjoying everything life has to offer in New York. Xx
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January 12, 2019 at 5:12 am
Unfortunately, bullying has become far too common & much more aggressive in recent times…
We see this in the rising incidence of domestic violence resulting in partner death in the western world. The ultimate form of bullying.
Filming fights & bullying stunts for Social Media…& social media bullying & trolling have become power plays in schools in this modern age. Making a serious issue into a form of entertainment!
Has your son been able to verbalize now, years later, what was actually going through his thoughts back then & why he didn’t share what was going on?
Blessings,
Jennifer
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 12, 2019 at 7:11 am
I couldn’t agree more Jennifer, social media has enabled bullying to flourish and worst of all it can access them and invade what used to be a childs safe space – their home. And thanks for asking, Yes we accessed excellent counselling psychology, psychotherapy and reading material. Xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
January 13, 2019 at 12:11 am
It’s an insidious medium 😦 in that respect.
Sound like great coping strategies Marie 😀
Blessings,
Jennifer
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 13, 2019 at 12:15 am
We got there eventually Jennifer! Thank you. Le grà, Marie Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 12, 2019 at 6:42 am
great post again Marie and glad you are referring to Parikhit’s post 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 12, 2019 at 7:16 am
Thanks Kate! I’m here to encourage a shared conversation about bullying and the domino effect it has. I’m only too delighted to learn from and share other peoples’ experiences, its impact and how they overcame the abuse or not. Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 12, 2019 at 10:16 am
well done you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 12, 2019 at 11:09 pm
Thank you so much Marie for the link 🙂 You are right, we associate the idea of being macho with men and that they need to upload that construed idea that society demands. And that adds to the problem. You posts are always so insightful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 13, 2019 at 12:14 am
My pleasure Parikhit! Your post is very open and honest and deserves to be shared. Le grà, Marie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 13, 2019 at 3:19 pm
Thank you. The other day when I was walking to work I overheard two women lamenting that they hate it when a man cries. I felt like stopping them and telling them. May be I’ll write about it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 13, 2019 at 7:05 pm
That’s exactly what’s needed Parikhit, to talk about it, to write about it, to challenge these ingrained, outdated ways of thinking and behaving. If you write about it be sure and let me know!
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 15, 2019 at 4:16 pm
I most definitely will 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 14, 2019 at 11:11 pm
Bullying is tough. Most of us face it at some time or another, and each time we just have to figure out the best way to power through. I got my kids lessons at the local dojo. Only one of them ended up ever having to get physical, but it was reassuring knowledge for them to have.
I always hope the experience will leave kids with some sort of empathy, rather than just a desire to come out on top.
LikeLike
February 14, 2019 at 11:36 pm
Is dojo a self defence class? How empathetic they are I would say depends on each individual as they obviously have issues of their own which drive their destructive behaviour. Thank you for joining in the conversation Cathleen and I’m glad your child was able to stand their ground!
LikeLike
August 3, 2019 at 11:50 pm
We have to break down the myth that boys who express insecurity over how they look/feel are called “weak” or “sensitive”. I’ve seen fathers pat their sons on the back and tell them “man up, boys don’t cry.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
August 4, 2019 at 5:06 am
How sad is that Bernice when a child can’t allow themselves to show any emotion but we can make a difference one conversation at a time! Hope you are well and enjoying everything life has to offer in New York. Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
August 4, 2019 at 12:12 pm
Yes! All is well here. Enjoying Summer. 🦋🌻🌞⭐️☀️
LikeLiked by 1 person