
Your son or daughter arrives home from school, you know by their mood and verbal and non-verbal behaviour that they are upset. Maybe you notice they are avoiding you, they resist talking to you about their day or they might even tell you lies, pretending there is nothing wrong.
You might witness their mood deteriorating further and that might include them turning their frustration on you by shouting, blaming and generally behaving disrespectfully.
You are likely at this point to notice your temper rising and your patience being tested. This is the crucial moment…try to avoid the hook, try to resist being sucked into the argument. Getting caught up in a two way shouting match serves no purpose!
Try to be mindful that this behaviour is your son or daughter’s way of coping with the upset they are feeling as a result of being bullied.
They are trying to cope by literally tossing some of their upset off themselves and onto you. The very best thing that you can do is avoid becoming emotional.
Instead, calmly and patiently see if you can get to the root of the problem. What is the underlying issue? If the emotional outburst continues, again, calmly but firmly inform your child that you refuse to deal with them while they behave this way and set a time to talk later, when they have calmed down. Then walk away, leave the environment.
Importantly, now is a good time to think of self-care (you might like to read my previous post Here)
Once you have practiced some self-care you will be feeling much calmer and in a better place to help your child.
It is vitally important that at the appointed time or when your child has calmed down that you follow up with them and try to ascertain the difficulty they are having. If you do, you are showing them that their issue is of concern to you. You are also building the most important aspect in your relationship, and that is… trust.
UPDATE…
I would like to thank Jennifer @ Tea With Jennifer for this insight which she kindly gave me permission to share with you.
“From a therapist’s viewpoint the behavior of the child is a form of communication, communicating that they are in crisis & can’t verbalize it correctly.
So they start acting out subconsciously, thus bringing attention to the crisis within them. Fear often manifests itself as anger in many especially males.
Blessings,
Jennifer”
There are many other great insights to be found at Jennifer’s blog…
Have you ever experienced a situation similar to the above? What happened during it? How did you handle it? Please share, I’d love to hear your experience.
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
January 4, 2019 at 10:34 pm
I don’t have any experience with this. My oldest started school this year so this will help in the coming years should he, like many, have to deal with bullying. Thank you for sharing.
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January 4, 2019 at 11:12 pm
Hi Ashley, thank you for reading and joining in this conversation. I’m only too happy to share, if it would save even one family the distress we felt. I truly hope your children avoid any experience of bullying but being aware of bullying and what it looks like can give you an advantage, helping you intervene before it snowballs out of control.
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January 5, 2019 at 12:32 am
I was bullied growing up and pray my sweet angels never have to go through what I went through. I’m glad you are sharing to help make people aware. Sometimes it’s so hard to know what the right thing to do is.
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January 5, 2019 at 5:05 am
I’m so sorry to hear you experienced the upset of bullying as a child. I wrote a post which you might like to read ‘Bullying…I am grateful for it all.’ I believe that the experience you have had will have a positive impact on how you support your own children should they be bullied. Your final sentence is a key statement when you find yourself being bullied and it is my aspiration to raise awareness of all aspects of bullying. I look forward to your company as I continue on this journey. Xx
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January 5, 2019 at 8:48 pm
Thank you. I will look at your other posts. Bullying unfortunately is very common and I know too many people who suffered from it. I do think this advice will help tremendously with my own children should they have to go through it. I pray they don’t but I can’t stop it from occurring at the school.
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January 5, 2019 at 9:08 pm
Thanks Ashley, I look forward to more of your company and conversations!
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January 4, 2019 at 10:46 pm
powerful … this should be the solution to any teen angst!
Well written Marie 🙂
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January 4, 2019 at 11:24 pm
You are a constant! Thank you Kate xx
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January 5, 2019 at 2:50 am
my absolute pleasure Marie 🙂
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January 5, 2019 at 3:22 pm
Beautifully written Marie! I hope everyone reads this post!
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January 5, 2019 at 6:23 pm
Thanks so much Janie, I’m glad you think so! If you know of anyone it might help, please feel free to share. I hope the new year is treating you and your family well.
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January 5, 2019 at 7:35 pm
Thank you Marie! I will definitely pass it along if I should learn of anyone being bullied. You’re the best! xx
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January 6, 2019 at 12:34 am
Great parental advice Marie.
From a therapist’s viewpoint the behavior of the child is a form of communication, communicating that they are in crisis & can’t verbalize it correctly.
So they start acting out subconsciously, thus bringing attention to the crisis within them. Fear often manifests itself as anger in many especially males.
Blessings,
Jennifer
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January 6, 2019 at 9:58 am
Thanks Jennifer, I really appreciate your positive feedback! Thank you also for adding the theory behind this behaviour, it will be very supportive for any concerned and bewildered parents to read as looking back it took us a long time to find and understand the underlying problem. Would you mind if I posted your comment as a Bullying & Beyond…6.Avoid the hook – a therapist’s viewpoint? More parents would see it as a result. I could update my post and add it exactly as above or add a new post. I would of course add your blog name and a link. But if you’d prefer to leave your insightful comment as it is, in the comment section, I totally understand! Much love & appreciation, Marie xx
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January 6, 2019 at 10:10 pm
I’m happy for you to include my comment in a post 😀 it’s important to know causal components behind acting out behavior in adolescents.
Jennifer
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January 6, 2019 at 10:20 pm
Thank you Jennifer! I think it will be very helpful.
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January 6, 2019 at 10:26 pm
I often found in my professional role as Adolescent & Family Therapist that explaining the cause behind the behavior to parents bought an awareness & a much deeper understanding to the distressing behavior they were witnessing from their child.
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January 6, 2019 at 10:50 pm
Yes I think practice has changed and it’s common now for counsellors or psychotherapists to explain the theories also.
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January 7, 2019 at 9:19 pm
Jennifer I updated my post but I can’t tell if it was reposted. You might keep an eye out for it and let me know if you are happy with my update. Thank you again for enhancing my post!
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January 8, 2019 at 9:56 am
Looks good Marie 😀 You’re very welcome!
Jennifer
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January 6, 2019 at 1:57 am
This is a great post for parents to read and share with their teens xo
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January 6, 2019 at 10:11 am
Thank you Christy for reading and I appreciate you adding your support. I hope parents will see it when they need it. We were a long time searching for answers and trying to find the right support which meant it was often a frightening and vunerable place to be. When we found the right support and understood what was happening, it made all the difference! Knowledge is definitely power! Xx
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January 17, 2019 at 5:53 am
“They are trying to cope by literally tossing some of their upset off themselves and onto you.” I like this statement, and is certainly true. The burden is simply too heavy for them to carry. A very practical and informative post.
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January 17, 2019 at 3:38 pm
Brenda, I hope you are settled into the New Year.
Thanks for your encouraging comment! I really appreciate it. Xx
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July 27, 2019 at 8:25 pm
Very informative. I think we should share this article definitely with our children. Nobody has a right to be bullying someone and nobody has right to become a victim. All should take an joint action against bullies. I can’t remember the face of mother also a doctor who had resuscitated her own daughter because her daughter had committed the suicide due to this dangerous disease of bullies.
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July 27, 2019 at 10:46 pm
Thank you, I’m glad you found it informative! Bullying is soul destroying and causes so much damage to the victim and their family. I’m so sorry you witnessed the awful and shocking reality of bullying.
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July 28, 2019 at 9:11 am
This is fantastic and will be sharing this with my daughter.
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July 28, 2019 at 9:15 am
I’m delighted to hear this resonates with you Lisa and that it is worth sharing! Happy good communication Sunday! Xx
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