
In my previous post I said it’s not ok to make excuses for any bullying behaviour, No Excuse, Pt.1
And yes, I did say that each of those bullies had a difficult back story, or issue of their own…
But I’d like to reiterate, victims are innocent and do not need to make excuses or take ownership of the behaviour of bullies no matter how difficult the bully’s backstory.
But here is the pivotal point… the only way to stamp out bullying…is to identify and understand the bullies misguided goal of behaviour which often show that bullies struggle with low self-esteem. They have learned to consciously or sub-consciously compare themselves to other children and find themselves lacking…
And in order to make up for the lack they see in themselves, they over-compensate, trying to enhance their self-esteem, to move them away from the discomfort of being a “felt minus” (feeling at a disadvantage) to a “felt plus” (feeling good) (Adlerian concepts or ideas), by the only method they know how, which is by putting somebody else down in order to build themselves up…
Because… Bullies feel big when they bully others. But that feeling is short-lived, and soon they slump back to feeling bad again as their self-esteem continues to peak and trough throughout their lives.
In their own eyes they are never good enough so they torment themselves striving for perfection, rushing from one achievement to the next, always needing to be more…trying to be richer, more powerful, thinner…and all the time walking on people to get where they want to go.
Or they will avoid achieving altogether because it’s painful to strive for achievement and end up failing. Failing hurts, it brings a ‘felt minus’ every single time they fail an exam or miss an opportunity in life they compare themselves and their lives to the lives of others. Their physical or mental health may suffer. They will continue to waste their lives, as they physically or psychologically walk on others…
So the bottom line is that it’s NOT OK to make excuses for bullies and we also need to hold them accountable.
Education is needed to equip them with the correct insights and tools to manage their thoughts and actions…
And to do this, we, the parents, the teachers and the wider community need access to the most up to date research and information that is available on bullying.
So no matter the reason why a bully becomes a bully…it is NOT OK that bullies behave this way…
There is no BUT, there is no EXCUSE…
Have you been bullied? Have you access to up to date information and support? Do you feel equipt to deal with bullying?
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
July 26, 2019 at 7:03 pm
Another great post Marie! As you said, there is almost always a reason behind bullies becoming bullies, but there’s no excuse for their actions. They need to be held accountable, and they need to be educated. Hope you’re doing well, dear friend!
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July 26, 2019 at 7:47 pm
Thank you Terri, there is a need for lots of education programmes! Yes I’m doing well and even better now having you visit! Hope you are well too. X
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July 26, 2019 at 8:40 pm
there is seldom an action without a cause but people need to be aware of crossing boundaries, of any kind of unacceptable behaviour physical verbal or emotional .. they need to be called out so that they can learn to take responsibility for such behaviour.
Violence/bullying must cease at every level, great post Marie
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July 26, 2019 at 10:10 pm
Thanks Kate, glad this resonates with you and I agree, learning to take responsibility is vital.
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July 27, 2019 at 3:41 am
if people keep defending them and making excuses they have no need to own up and take responsibility … if they didn’t like it then they need to learn nobody else will
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July 26, 2019 at 9:52 pm
I am amazed at how much I’ve learned about bullying from you, Marie. I have ALSO learned… I have much TO LEARN yet! Yes, I’m sure bullies have had some hard knocks, no excuses because out of 5 children in the same messed up circumstances, only one is a bully! In the United States, 95% of the population are good, kind hardworking folks. But that 5%… they draw a lot of attention to themselves… take up so much of our time we often forget that 95% who have things in order! I like that you have a game plan. I wouldn’t fault you if you did not. You’ve all been through enough. But to take that action plan and turn it into an implementation tool to use to disarm bullying behavior is pure genius, I’m behind you! xo ~Kim
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July 26, 2019 at 10:17 pm
I’m delighted to hear you are learning a lot from my posts Kim! And it’s true that the more we learn, the more we realise how much we still have to learn but that’s what a life long learning mentality is all about! I think blame is negative and a waste of time, better to be positive and proactice in raising awareness. Awareness is the first step and key to a better bully free future in schools. Love hearing from you, hope sale is on target! Xx
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July 26, 2019 at 11:24 pm
I so agree with you. We can point fingers all day long but to be optomistic, to obtain that bully free world, action is a must. The house is on track, looking at an August 1st listing! Thanks for asking, Marie. Very kind of you. xo ~Kim
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July 27, 2019 at 5:34 am
Roll on next Thursday!! Best of luck and keep us posted! Xx
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July 27, 2019 at 6:36 pm
Thank you for sharing!!.. yes, a bully needs to be held accountable for his/her actions for them to realize those actions are not acceptable.. by the same token, one needs to work with the bully to determine why one become a bully…. one cannot put out the fire without going to the source of the fire… 🙂
There are good ships and there a wood ships
The ships that sail the sea,
But the best ships are friendships
And may they always be!
(Irish Saying)
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July 27, 2019 at 7:01 pm
You are one of those best friendships Dutch! Thanks for your frequent company and lovely, knowledgeable comments!
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July 28, 2019 at 11:38 am
I absolutely agree that a lot of bullies will have more depth behind their reasoning for bullying, consciously or subconsciously. To “move them away from the discomfort of being a “felt minus”… to a “felt plus” is what, I think, a lot do. Not all, and it’s not an excuse, but quite a few will likely be making them feeling better through making someone else feel worse. Simply reprimanding doesn’t solve the root cause, or stop it happening again in future. Much the same as criminals, it’s looking beyond the crime to the cause, the reason. Great post, Marie!
Caz xx
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July 28, 2019 at 4:34 pm
Thanks Caz, I’m delighted to read your detailed response and see that you feel strongly too about getting to the root of the problem. I also think an environment that expects respect and has a zero bullying policy is vital. I hope you are doing well. Xx
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August 2, 2019 at 9:04 am
hi, would love for you to check out my poem about bullying..☺️
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