
Have you ever expected or wished for the easy path? I know I have on many occasions!

Life is easy if as a parent/teacher your children/students excel at sport, are the high achievers, are highly academic or simply, functioning!
But that’s not always reality and as a parent or teacher you’ve noticed your child/student disengage and opt out of school and fail exams. Your dreams and expectations are fading in front of your eyes. You’re upset, disappointed maybe even embarrassed.
Your child/student ‘should’ be independent, ‘should’ be academic, ‘should’ be functioning… but they’re not!
They’ve just ruined all your well laid plans and you feel bad! Now, spare a thought for how bad your child/student feels and that’s before you opened your mouth and added insult to injury.
So now what?
Well now is the perfect time to review YOUR expectations!
If your child/student had just been diagnosed with a major heart complaint, what expectations would you have? I bet you’d focus on what they can still achieve. You’d admire them for getting out of bed. You’d be pleased they pushed through their health limitations and managed to attend school!
So please, also take mental health into consideration and revisit YOUR expectations . The verbal and non-verbal messages you give your child/student, can be life-defeating when they struggle with mental health issues, bullying or what may even seems like an uncomplicated adolescence.
So if your child/student manages to turn back in for class…
1. Start by acknowledging that there is some issue.
2. Next acknowledge the fact that your child/student is in attendance TODAY.
3. Note the possibility they may not make the grade… but look for the bigger picture.
4. Practice unconditional, non-judgemental love and see the effort they are making, no matter how small.
5. Acknowledge their presence.
6. Recognise their engagement. Tell them you see that they have pushed through their health limitations to attend school and mix with their peers rather than self-isolating themselves in their bedroom!
Now you’ve realigned YOUR expectations! Now you’re telling them they are good enough, exactly as they are!
This approach will help your child/student learn to accept themselves as good enough. They may even let themselves feel happy! This very powerful feeling is addictive and soon they will want more. They will, in their own time, step into the driving seat and begin to empower themselves.
As a parent/teacher, try to understand, what is run of the mill and easy for one child/student, can be very challenging for another child/student. Placing value on their efforts not their achievements can be a game changer. (If you can see no effort, review your expectations again. Maybe just breathing and staying alive is taking all their effort). Love them even more, they need it more!
Watch them as they engage with life on their terms, at the level they are able for, at this precise moment. Now you’re encouraging them to pass the more important and real test – the test that is not the easy path but the path of life!
Have you ever had your expectations dashed? Have you realigned your expectations and seen your child/student flourish?
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
June 28, 2019 at 10:41 pm
wow Marie, this post goes well beyond bullying .. many parents struggle with their kids mental health issues and aligning it as you did to a heart condition might help them to cope better. The kids doesn’t need a parental judgement as they try to adjust to their diagnosis …
They all need love and support no matter what is going on ❤
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June 28, 2019 at 11:44 pm
Thank you Kate! The implications of bullying on mental health and mental health in general is complex and still not understood by parents or teachers. I’ve been that parent and it just causes a stand off and a breakdown in communication. I’ve also had teachers pointing out to me all the academic short failings of our children yet not a mention of the elephant in the room, anxiety, insomnia, ocd! It just defies belief!
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June 29, 2019 at 5:34 am
for sure … and now your posts are embracing that, bravo! It really needs to be said …
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June 29, 2019 at 6:05 am
Thanks Kate, it takes time to heal the hurt and writing has been that healer for me. I have gained so much from all the support so readily shared here and hopefully with time others will benefit by realising they are not alone and that there is a wonderful and insight-filled future beyond bullying! Le grà, Marie xx
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June 29, 2019 at 10:55 am
right attitude, pray your daughter is healing too 🙂
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June 29, 2019 at 11:34 am
In her own way and time Kate, her new puppy Doris is a gem and giving her a new focus. Pity you don’t do Instagram, you’d find her there. It’s a nice space as social media goes, photos and short posts, positive interactions and comments.
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June 29, 2019 at 11:37 am
glad to hear WP isn’t the lone sympathetic supportive social media 🙂
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June 29, 2019 at 1:34 am
Marie, all parents need to read this powerful post! You are inspirational and I’m very glad I know you xo
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June 29, 2019 at 5:58 am
Thank you Janie, I try to write from experience with no frills attached and with the goal of helping other parents who struggle with the upset of school bullying to know that they are not alone. Thank you for your company and encouragement, I appreciate it! I hope you too are seeing how capable you are! Xx
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June 30, 2019 at 5:04 pm
Thank you Marie! You did all that and more in your blog, your comments and in the way you write to us all! Thanks for being you! xx
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June 30, 2019 at 5:16 pm
All thanks to unconditional support, love and encouragement from Blogger friends like you!
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June 29, 2019 at 2:30 pm
Such an important topic! Well written. I also worry about home situations where the mental health of the parent is the issue. Bullying at home is often so difficult to identify. Those kids can grow up expecting to be the victim. School, however, can be a place of support and relief for them especially surrounded by teachers who care and offer positive feedback.
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June 29, 2019 at 9:42 pm
Thank you twice! You’ve added some very important points. Bullying in the home is particularly difficult to detect because of a culture of secrecy and shame. Bullies are more likely to have parents with marital problems, have been bullies or have a lack of values/respect for others. (Lowenstein 1978). These children can bully to avoid being the victim. Treating the bully is as important as treating the victim of bullying as bullies have been shown to have lower self esteem than average children (Byrne, 1993). Schools have a valuable opportunity to change a childs life as unsupported they stand a greater chance of getting into trouble with the law (Lewis 1988). However cuts to education budgets, increased workload and paperwork among other challenges mean more children slip through the system unsupported. Thank you for reading and joining the conversation. Le grà, Marie
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June 29, 2019 at 11:31 pm
And thank you for tackling this very difficult subject. What goes on in the home can be the most difficult of all – as you say, the secrecy & the shame can hide for years. School counselors, teachers, nurses can only do so much. But I agree, the funding is crucial to support our education professionals.
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June 30, 2019 at 8:03 am
Thank you again for sharing your insightful thoughts. I tackle this topic as it is my goal to support parents and their families and save them the pain and frustration we experienced. Funding and a cohesive programme which includes schools, social services and home/school liaison officers have the best hope of tackling this difficult subject. I appreciate your interest in this challenging topic.
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June 29, 2019 at 3:39 pm
Wonderful post! It’s really honest. As parents, we need to make sure we are not putting our expectations on our children so they can grow and become who they are meant to be in their own time with their own challenges. Much easier said than done sometimes.
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June 29, 2019 at 9:47 pm
Thank you Alexis! Definitely parenting is a full-on job but with adequate self-care as in my post B&B Self care times 10, with practice and if needed, professional support there is light at the end of the tunnel!
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June 29, 2019 at 11:43 pm
Yeah, I must say I absolutely love being a parent. My kids are adults now and it’s so cool to hang out with them. But, I still worry. My son is traveling in Italy with friends for 3 weeks and I am so relieved when he emails me, “Hi mom I’m fine.” 😊 Have a wonderful weekend! 💕
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June 30, 2019 at 8:10 am
I feel likewise, particularly as we have walked the path of life and survived the bullying section! I can empathise totally with how you feel Alexis, and what a life enhancing opportunity for your son. I wish him luck and an amazing adventure. My son, 20, is leaving for France and via four countries to Poland tomorrow and despite trusting in his capability, the mammy bit will keenly await any whats app message or photo to confirm all is well! Bless you for sharing. Xx
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June 30, 2019 at 11:28 am
❤️💐❤️
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June 30, 2019 at 2:01 am
Powerful words man! I loved every word! Your posts are really encouraging! 😇😍
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June 30, 2019 at 8:14 am
Ella, I really appreciate your encouragement and am glad my posts resonate with you. I am always happy to think they give someone food for thought that leaves a positive impact. Le grà, Marie
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June 30, 2019 at 4:23 am
A must read for all parents indeed . Bravo !! This makes so much sense . 🤗 looking forward to more reads .
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June 30, 2019 at 8:27 am
I value your enthusiasm! Please do check in on more of my posts on bullying and let me know your thoughts on them. I appreciate feedback and any comments that can help me support other parents through what we experienced. Le grà, Marie
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June 30, 2019 at 5:33 am
I absolutely love this post Marie. Such an important and powerful message for parents and indeed for all of us, a message of acceptance and respect for each other in every aspect. Wonderfully inspiring words and advice that every parent needs to read.
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June 30, 2019 at 8:32 am
Thank you Miriam, we found out the hard way but it has been a powerful teacher and I simply want to share the fact that how we communicate and respect each other matters. Bullying is too serious to ignore, it leaves huge damage in its wake! Have a lovely day & thank you for your company to enhance this journey. X
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June 30, 2019 at 8:57 am
Yes, it is a powerful teacher. My son was subjected to bullying many years ago (Year 7) but we got onto it right away and fortunately today at 18 he’s a well adjusted young man. xx
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June 30, 2019 at 9:13 am
I’m sorry to hear of your family experience, it is upsetting for all involved but I’m glad you got to the root of it immidiately. Our son tried to protect us from his struggles as his older sister was experiencing similar struggles and he saw how challenging that was. Our efforts were largely unsupported and left unresolved the bullying followed him to secondary school. It has been a long and fraught journey but he has excelled this past year embracing college life and thriving in an inclusive and encouraging environment!
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June 30, 2019 at 9:24 am
I’m so sorry to hear of your family struggles but I’m also glad to hear that your son is now thriving. It can take years to resolve issues of bullying. Certainly is a tough way to learn resilience and strength but we take the positives from it don’t we. All the best to you all. xx
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June 30, 2019 at 9:27 am
Miriam your thoughts and kindness are appreciated. Our son is now a well adjusted and deeply insightful young adult, his comment on bullying, shared in an earlier post “I am grateful for it all” says it in a nutshell. Likewise to you. Xx
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July 1, 2019 at 3:57 am
Wonderful advice, Marie! So great to take that focus off achievement as society sees it. Sometimes getting out of bed in the morning can be a victory! 10 out of 10 for this post!! 😃💕
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July 1, 2019 at 5:39 am
Sadly too many people focus on achievement and particularly academic achievement iwhen just functioning might be the best achievement not to mention the sad neglect and loss of self that comes from gnoring all other intelligences such as artistic, musical, inter and intra personal intelligences. Thanks for your positive feedback. X
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July 1, 2019 at 9:39 am
I’ve had to come to realise that children are what they are but you can only come to this yourself. No one and least of all society teaches this as it seems to think that parents are solely able to affect the attitudes and behaviours of your children.
I’ve had struggles with my adopted children able to function in school and society and I’ve had to adjust my expectations (which weren’t massive anyways) a long way from where they were but I’ve always accepted what they can achieve and despaired that the ‘education system’ just isn’t able or willing to help them.
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July 1, 2019 at 12:51 pm
Thanks for reading and sharing your experience Simon. Expectations are a whole area of thinking that receive little or no attention yet can have a big impact on our day. Expectations can be troublesome if we set them too high, they can dishearten us or set too low, they can demotivate us. It’s great to hear you could empathise with and accept your adopted children as themselves. When we feel accepted as ourselves then we have the ability to flourish. The education system has come a long way and hopefully with time and increased awareness, every child will receive the education they need as unique individuals.
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July 1, 2019 at 4:03 pm
I would like to think that could be true but fear we are along way off that yet.
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July 1, 2019 at 4:44 pm
Being proactive, talking for change and holding out hope, that’s probably a step in the right direction Simon.
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July 1, 2019 at 10:01 pm
I hope so 😀
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July 3, 2019 at 11:50 pm
Oh wow Marie ..this is on point.. these are all helpful tips and really workable. As parent and a former teacher myself i believe in everything you have said here. May i add that it will also be good if we (parent/teachers) practice consistent discipline with loving kindness
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July 4, 2019 at 10:54 pm
Gosh thank you Mich, that’s very positive feedback which is much appreciated, and yes I agree consistency is key and positive discipline which sets good boundaries and revolves around respect for all.
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July 4, 2019 at 7:31 pm
YES!!! love this. We, as parents, grandparents, teachers, leaders, etc can avoid so much hurt , pain, self inflected pain, etc if we just had different expectations..changed them to expectations of ourselves not others.
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July 8, 2019 at 10:30 pm
Parenting is not easy nor is it easy to be a kid — posts like this one are so important
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July 9, 2019 at 5:01 am
Very true da-AL! It’s a learning curve and it’s ok to make mistakes once we keep trying to move from a “felt minus” to a “felt plus” in a productive way. Xx
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June 30, 2019 at 8:24 am
I appreciate you! X
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