Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
Your child is or has been bullied at school and you have found an opportunity to talk to them, making a written record of events as you discuss them, without being caught up in frustrating and emotionally upsetting arguments. Now pause to acknowledge the progress you have made, you’ve managed to… 6.Avoid the hook!
You’re now aware and can understand that the changes in behaviour you’ve seen are signs of bullying. Those signs probably included your child;
avoiding situations,
reducing their academic performance,
refusing to go to school,
lacking motivation, wanting to achieve goals but showing perfectionist traits, then appearing paralysed,
disappointed by not living up to the high standards they set themselves,
withdrawing into themselves,
being stressed, having emotional outbursts,
showing signs of anxiety, depression, OCD or specific phobias,
consuming excess alcohol, or maybe using drugs,
getting into trouble in school,
being charged with social disorder,
or engaging in self-harm
then…
If you are like me,
you probably struggle to know what to do.
You are unsure of where to turn next.
You are probably paralysed like we were.
You probably struggled to even accept the situation.
You wanted to wave a magic wand and fix everything…
If any of the above resonates with you, it is very important that you are pro-active. Do not allow bullying to render you paralysed. Your child might not want you to speak up for fear of making the situation worse or been seen as ‘a grass’ or a ‘cry-baby’. You must be very discreet but you must seek out support to help you stand up and speak up to bullying!
Have you noticed your child’s behaviour changing? Have you struggled to understand the changes you’ve noticed. Can you see it from a different perspective now?
Hi... failte (Irish for welcome! and pronounced fall-thhha).
I'm a newbie to blogging, here just over a year, but what a great year it has been!
I've turned the corner to 50 recently and two things become more relevant...time and experiences!
Material possessions are less important! Using time wisely and truly experiencing each day holds a new significance for me!
If you wish..., a little of the back story...
I''m blessed to be married to a kind and loving man for 28 years, we have two children now 19 and 21.
As I approached 40 and searching for something more, whilst holding down my then part-time legal secretarial work, I trained as a voluntary adult literacy tutor, with the hope of helping adults improve their literacy skills and have a second, and better experience of learning!
However, little did I think that wanting to help others improve their lives would see my own life improve beyond measure also!
You see for years I found it difficult to know what to do as I watched our two children suffer at the hands of bullies. Their struggle began to change when I returned to education! Through education I slowly gained valuable knowledge, I grew in confidence and self-esteme and it had a ripple effect!
By 2014, aged 47 I had completed a Higher Certificate in Literacy Development and a B.A. in Adult Education. I love my work as an adult educator, particularly when adults trust me enough to let down their defences and 'let me in'. Then I can help them by getting to know what makes them 'tic' and what 'lights their fire!'.
As an added bonus along the way I've realised that I also have a love of writing and that writing is cathartic (providing psychological relief through written expression of built up emotions), both for my students and myself. This blog enables me to pursue that new-found interest and I've really enjoying reading your blogs, sharing comments, getting to know so many people and gaining new perspectives. I also like to share any little 'gems' of learning I've gathered along the way!
Thanks for sharing your stories and for helping me realise that it is all possible...and that together we write a truly better story!
Much love,
Marie x
I suffered in silence when I was bullied at high school. I never told my parents what was going on because I thought they would make it worse by trying to fix it. Being a guy, I had a lot of shame around being bullied and thought I should be able to deal with it on my own. It was definitely paralyzing. In my opinion I don’t think there is an easy solution to solve bullying. It’s in every area of society. It’s a big issue.
Thank you so much JR for reading and taking the time to share your experience! I am sorry that you too had to suffer at the hands of bullies and that fear of retaliation or escalation kept you silenced. It was the same for our son and as we found, if you don’t stand your ground immediately and have total support from a school that ensures a bully free zone then the bullies know they have the upper hand. Belief systems place an expectation that boys don’t cry (I wrote an earlier post) & make it next to impossible for boys and young men to admit the difficulty they face. I agree that there is no easy solution but remaining silent is not an option for me anymore. Encouraging conversation to reduce the stigma is my starting point.
I appreciate your feedback Kate and would be delighted if you can offer any suggestions for other posts, areas I could focus on that maybe I’ve overlooked in my previous posts. Hope you are really settling into your new home. Xx
Thanks for sharing!!.. there is no easy solution to bullying as the answer lies in the bully and how the bully came to be.. let the one who is being bullied know there is nothing wrong with them, have the courage to be who they are, they have support, acceptance and that one is there for them…. 🙂
“It is not the size of the dog in a fight that matters, it is the size of the fight in the dog”.. Mark Twain
You got it in one, there is no easy solution! Bullies need help too, crazy as it sounds but their behaviour is either consciously or unconsciously a misdirected goal of behaviour. Mark Twain quote is so apt, having the determination to keep going, to be resilient no matter how long it takes to overcome the bullying is vital! Very good advice Dutch, and thank you for reading and sharing!
It is not crazy that bullies need help but unfortunately most do not wish to listen, choosing to stay on their oath and end up being bigger and older ( and in some cases more dangerous) bullies…
Have a lovely Sunday filled with love and happiness and hope the day is all that you wish for it to be!!.. 🙂
I have to agree Dutch, they think they have the answers! I am having a very relaxed Sunday with p
Some nice family time. I hope your day is to your liking too! 😃
Following. Such good information, sad it’s based on fact not fiction. I don’t think I could be as cool as you! I’d go threaten the parents of the bullying kid and I’d probable bounce the bully off the lockers a few time as I passed him/her in the hall of the school as I’d be glued to my child… they’d end up hating me and nothing would be resolved. This is a good start, what DO we do??? Appropriate ways of handling this issue.
Thank you so much Kim! Good question, what can you do? I will discuss that soon. I so wanted to do those things and more, but small community, small minds, possible retaliation repercussions were an issue. We were newly returned, outsiders. I wasn’t cool… frustrated, upset, emotional, name it we were it but unsupported we were. Time and patience and acceptance and love got us to this place of calm and progression. My only way at the moment is sharing it, hoping it can be of benefit. I appreciate you so much. Xx
Sadly bullying is on all levels of society & in all cultures in one form or another at any stage of life…
It can definitely be addressed…& it starts with us in each of our societies opening the discourse & maintaining it. Well done Marie for your passion in the Bullying discourse.
Blessings,
Jennifer
Thank you Jennifer for your company and constant encouragement on this journey. The discourse of bullying, like that of any form of abuse is a difficult one but if maintained long enough will change peoples awareness and understanding. Blessings to you too Jennifer and I hope your husband continues to return to full health and that you have had time to recover from the post emotional or traumatic experience fatigue, which I know is a given for me. Marie xx
Substitute ‘work’ for ‘school’ and those symptoms still describe me at 52!
Some random things occurred to me reading this excellent post:
The fear of making things worse by speaking up is not irrational unfortunately. I saw it play out that way on several occasions.
Bullying is often a learned behaviour from the dynamic in the bully’s home so assuming that the bully’s parents will be horrified and will do the right thing is risky. I’ve even known parents of bullies take pride in their kids for being the ‘head of the pack’. Taking up the issue with the bully’s family can result in either the bully being further punished, or the bully’s parents assaulting the teacher/parent who reported the problem.
Bullied kids are often terrified of conflict or highly emotionally charged circumstances because we learn to dissociate – so having to cope with the emotional fallout from making a fuss is often more scary than putting up with the bullying.
I feel that the best approach has to be very low-key. Directly asking your child if they are being bullied, setting up meetings with teachers etc, causes a great deal of additional stress to a bullied child. So I absolutely echo your point about discretion.
Firstly Darren thank you for reading and sharing your story. I appreciate your part in this conversation.
I am sorry that you find this the case at your workplace. Depending on public or private employer, there is usually a Bullying Prevention Policy in place, you could research it, or maybe contact ing HR could be an option.
One thing is for sure if it is impacting your daily life, as I said above “it is very important that you are pro-active. Do not allow bullying to render you paralysed.”
A change of employer could be worth considering. If you can’t leave for financial or other reasons, at least draw up a list of boundaries and see if you can be assertive enough to work within these only or bring these to your employer.
I am unqualified to advise but arranging professional support for yourself is important and a few sessions will have a positive impact.
I agree that bullying is celebrated in some homes and that the thought of backlash or further emotional distress is worse than the bullying and that is why it makes bullying so difficult to address.
You have made very valid and thought provoking points and I agree that discression is key and I would also add the importance of knowing your rights…knowledge is power! Life is too short Darren. I also recall reading good advice on dealing with bullying on Leadership Freak blog by Dan Rockwell, if I remember correctly! Le grà, Marie
Thank you for reading and joining in the conversation. I am sorry for the delay in replying to your comment. You make a very valid point! I would agree that bullies are often the victim of bullying initially but it is not always the case. Children from abusive homes may bully other children to cope with the negative feelings they are experiencing. Brendan Byrne in his book Bullying: A Community Approach states that ” Jealousy is one of the main causes of bullying.” There are many reasons why children become bullies but it is important that children learn to stand up for themselves and it is vital that children know they can approach adults to tell them of their concerns knowing that they will be listened to. All schools need to have an up to date anti-bullying policy in place. I look forward to your continued visits and involvement in the conversation.
This is a text widget, which allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar. You can use them to display text, links, images, HTML, or a combination of these. Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer.
April 13, 2019 at 7:55 pm
I suffered in silence when I was bullied at high school. I never told my parents what was going on because I thought they would make it worse by trying to fix it. Being a guy, I had a lot of shame around being bullied and thought I should be able to deal with it on my own. It was definitely paralyzing. In my opinion I don’t think there is an easy solution to solve bullying. It’s in every area of society. It’s a big issue.
LikeLiked by 3 people
April 13, 2019 at 8:24 pm
Thank you so much JR for reading and taking the time to share your experience! I am sorry that you too had to suffer at the hands of bullies and that fear of retaliation or escalation kept you silenced. It was the same for our son and as we found, if you don’t stand your ground immediately and have total support from a school that ensures a bully free zone then the bullies know they have the upper hand. Belief systems place an expectation that boys don’t cry (I wrote an earlier post) & make it next to impossible for boys and young men to admit the difficulty they face. I agree that there is no easy solution but remaining silent is not an option for me anymore. Encouraging conversation to reduce the stigma is my starting point.
LikeLiked by 3 people
April 13, 2019 at 10:25 pm
Great list Marie, a useful tool for many!
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2019 at 4:36 am
I appreciate your feedback Kate and would be delighted if you can offer any suggestions for other posts, areas I could focus on that maybe I’ve overlooked in my previous posts. Hope you are really settling into your new home. Xx
LikeLike
April 14, 2019 at 1:43 pm
Thanks for sharing!!.. there is no easy solution to bullying as the answer lies in the bully and how the bully came to be.. let the one who is being bullied know there is nothing wrong with them, have the courage to be who they are, they have support, acceptance and that one is there for them…. 🙂
“It is not the size of the dog in a fight that matters, it is the size of the fight in the dog”.. Mark Twain
LikeLiked by 2 people
April 14, 2019 at 2:14 pm
You got it in one, there is no easy solution! Bullies need help too, crazy as it sounds but their behaviour is either consciously or unconsciously a misdirected goal of behaviour. Mark Twain quote is so apt, having the determination to keep going, to be resilient no matter how long it takes to overcome the bullying is vital! Very good advice Dutch, and thank you for reading and sharing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2019 at 2:20 pm
It is not crazy that bullies need help but unfortunately most do not wish to listen, choosing to stay on their oath and end up being bigger and older ( and in some cases more dangerous) bullies…
Have a lovely Sunday filled with love and happiness and hope the day is all that you wish for it to be!!.. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2019 at 2:25 pm
I have to agree Dutch, they think they have the answers! I am having a very relaxed Sunday with p
Some nice family time. I hope your day is to your liking too! 😃
LikeLike
April 14, 2019 at 4:37 pm
Following. Such good information, sad it’s based on fact not fiction. I don’t think I could be as cool as you! I’d go threaten the parents of the bullying kid and I’d probable bounce the bully off the lockers a few time as I passed him/her in the hall of the school as I’d be glued to my child… they’d end up hating me and nothing would be resolved. This is a good start, what DO we do??? Appropriate ways of handling this issue.
LikeLiked by 2 people
April 14, 2019 at 5:34 pm
Thank you so much Kim! Good question, what can you do? I will discuss that soon. I so wanted to do those things and more, but small community, small minds, possible retaliation repercussions were an issue. We were newly returned, outsiders. I wasn’t cool… frustrated, upset, emotional, name it we were it but unsupported we were. Time and patience and acceptance and love got us to this place of calm and progression. My only way at the moment is sharing it, hoping it can be of benefit. I appreciate you so much. Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2019 at 6:07 pm
What an ordeal. I do appreciate YOU and your charge into getting bullying out on the table! Thanks, Claire.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2019 at 7:55 pm
I’m so sorry if I called you Kim in error, I’ve been calling you that in error? Le grà, Marie xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2019 at 7:57 pm
No, my name is Kim… oh no… I’ve been calling you Claire. Sorry! I know it’s Marie!!! I’m so sorry!😳
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2019 at 10:14 pm
Don’t worry Kim, you’ve never called me Claire, simple mix up!
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2019 at 10:24 pm
I know I’ve been out of the blogging world for a couple weeks but I’m thinking maybe it should’ve been longer!😂🤣😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2019 at 10:29 pm
🤣💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2019 at 11:50 pm
Sadly bullying is on all levels of society & in all cultures in one form or another at any stage of life…
It can definitely be addressed…& it starts with us in each of our societies opening the discourse & maintaining it. Well done Marie for your passion in the Bullying discourse.
Blessings,
Jennifer
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 15, 2019 at 7:08 am
Thank you Jennifer for your company and constant encouragement on this journey. The discourse of bullying, like that of any form of abuse is a difficult one but if maintained long enough will change peoples awareness and understanding. Blessings to you too Jennifer and I hope your husband continues to return to full health and that you have had time to recover from the post emotional or traumatic experience fatigue, which I know is a given for me. Marie xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 17, 2019 at 1:35 am
Thank you Maree, hubby & I are both traveling in better days at the moment 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 17, 2019 at 4:52 am
Jennifer, I’m delighted to hear that! Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 18, 2019 at 1:21 am
😀
LikeLike
April 15, 2019 at 7:51 am
Substitute ‘work’ for ‘school’ and those symptoms still describe me at 52!
Some random things occurred to me reading this excellent post:
The fear of making things worse by speaking up is not irrational unfortunately. I saw it play out that way on several occasions.
Bullying is often a learned behaviour from the dynamic in the bully’s home so assuming that the bully’s parents will be horrified and will do the right thing is risky. I’ve even known parents of bullies take pride in their kids for being the ‘head of the pack’. Taking up the issue with the bully’s family can result in either the bully being further punished, or the bully’s parents assaulting the teacher/parent who reported the problem.
Bullied kids are often terrified of conflict or highly emotionally charged circumstances because we learn to dissociate – so having to cope with the emotional fallout from making a fuss is often more scary than putting up with the bullying.
I feel that the best approach has to be very low-key. Directly asking your child if they are being bullied, setting up meetings with teachers etc, causes a great deal of additional stress to a bullied child. So I absolutely echo your point about discretion.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 15, 2019 at 1:01 pm
Firstly Darren thank you for reading and sharing your story. I appreciate your part in this conversation.
I am sorry that you find this the case at your workplace. Depending on public or private employer, there is usually a Bullying Prevention Policy in place, you could research it, or maybe contact ing HR could be an option.
One thing is for sure if it is impacting your daily life, as I said above “it is very important that you are pro-active. Do not allow bullying to render you paralysed.”
A change of employer could be worth considering. If you can’t leave for financial or other reasons, at least draw up a list of boundaries and see if you can be assertive enough to work within these only or bring these to your employer.
I am unqualified to advise but arranging professional support for yourself is important and a few sessions will have a positive impact.
I agree that bullying is celebrated in some homes and that the thought of backlash or further emotional distress is worse than the bullying and that is why it makes bullying so difficult to address.
You have made very valid and thought provoking points and I agree that discression is key and I would also add the importance of knowing your rights…knowledge is power! Life is too short Darren. I also recall reading good advice on dealing with bullying on Leadership Freak blog by Dan Rockwell, if I remember correctly! Le grà, Marie
LikeLike
April 16, 2019 at 4:28 pm
Bullies are always bullied first.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 24, 2019 at 10:42 pm
Thank you for reading and joining in the conversation. I am sorry for the delay in replying to your comment. You make a very valid point! I would agree that bullies are often the victim of bullying initially but it is not always the case. Children from abusive homes may bully other children to cope with the negative feelings they are experiencing. Brendan Byrne in his book Bullying: A Community Approach states that ” Jealousy is one of the main causes of bullying.” There are many reasons why children become bullies but it is important that children learn to stand up for themselves and it is vital that children know they can approach adults to tell them of their concerns knowing that they will be listened to. All schools need to have an up to date anti-bullying policy in place. I look forward to your continued visits and involvement in the conversation.
LikeLike