
When dealing with bullying, empathy is key as shared in Bullying & Beyond… 11. Resilience.
Another hurdle we faced when trying to search out help for our son was the problem of sympathy. We were told by a responsible adult, that our son would be dealt with in a more “sympathetic” way.
Children, just like our son, who are being bullied, need to know that others care about them and are sorry about what they are going through.
Some children, particularly boys and teenagers might be embarrassed by being in the spot-light receiving sympathy. They may not want others feeling sorry for them.
Sympathy while supportive can reinforce a child’s belief that there is something wrong with them and can make a child worry that they are at fault. It may take the locus of blame off the bully, where it rightly lies. Too much sympathy can compound feeling of helplessness and of being powerless.
I believe that every child, be they a bully or bullied… need sympathy backed up by action.
My trust and respect was weakened when I asked one adult in a position of responsibility, if they had ever seen a case like our son’s, as he had been struggling with school not just in the short term but over the majority of his time in secondary school and I was amazed to receive a resounding “No.” This answer exemplified the fractured and broken school system that enabled bullying to flourish.
I believe the solution lies in education for all involved, including regular professional development opportunities to raise awareness of the short and long-term effects of bullying.
Did you or your child receive sympathy, how did it make you feel? Were you able to access competent, professional support when needed?
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
March 15, 2019 at 4:02 pm
Marie, again such an important piece. My heart aches so badly to know this is so prevalent and still there is so much unawareness. I appreciate each of these posts. Im glad you talked about how a person can also feel shame when getting sympathy for being bullied. So many complex feelings. You are a great mom, and a wonderful advocate. 💐
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March 15, 2019 at 6:55 pm
Thank you Alexis for your support and encouraging comment. I really enjoy the variety of thoughts and feelings that are shared and discussed in the comment section. I hope, with time these posts can save other families some of the distress. Le grà, Marie Xx
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March 15, 2019 at 4:18 pm
Empathy and a kind word instead of sympathy. So true Marie.
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March 15, 2019 at 6:56 pm
Sympathy in small doses and abundant empathy Len is a powerful combination! Thanks for joining in the conversation. Le grà, Marie
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March 15, 2019 at 8:58 pm
❤️
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March 15, 2019 at 10:49 pm
Agree sympathy or pity can also damage, empathy and action are vital especially from those with authority … by not taking immediate action they are condoning the bully and they don’t need permission!
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March 15, 2019 at 11:01 pm
Thankfully efforts are being made now… too late in our case but reassuring to see those with authority being proactive!
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March 16, 2019 at 12:11 am
glad they have finally stepped up but imagine the harm they could have prevented if they had done so earlier!
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March 16, 2019 at 10:47 am
So true Kate it would have saved us a lot of distress but we wouldn’t have learned so much or be who we are today without all we’ve experienced! Xx
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March 16, 2019 at 11:00 am
impressive positive attitude Marie ❤
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March 16, 2019 at 11:30 am
I appreciate your affirming words Kate. I don’t deminish the pain of the past but I can put it to positive use if I can empower other families to regain their voice and to know that above all they are not alone. Thank you too for your company on this journey! Xx
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March 16, 2019 at 8:48 pm
the least I can do Marie 🙂
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March 16, 2019 at 8:57 am
Thanks Marie,
Will tell a good friend and ex client (worked as a Health Visitor) about your blog.
This friend was bullied at school and her oldest son is now being bullied (age 12).
When I retired this mum asked me would I continue to be her friend, quite a humbling experience.
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March 16, 2019 at 11:01 am
You’re welcome Margaret. That mum values your friendship and I’m sure you have been a great support for her! Although I was not bullied my brothers and sister were. She will be well placed to understand the upset her son is feeling and the main thing is that she is there for him, which is not the case for all children. It is important that she addresses the bullying as the long-term implications are too serious to neglect, but it must be dealt with discreetly. I hope she finds some comfort in my posts and thank you for sharing. I am contactable anytime. Le grà, Marie xx
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March 16, 2019 at 3:08 pm
I believe that one should know they have one’s love, understanding and unwavering support, sympathy will just be part of that… 🙂
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou
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March 16, 2019 at 9:48 pm
Beautifully said Dutch, thank you, and for adding the very apt quote too.
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March 21, 2019 at 2:29 pm
I completely relate. The worst was when I was asked to deal with my demons for that’s what boys are meant to do. It makes it hard, really hard. Sympathy is what one needs.
After all these years, I did find a way to invest in things I used to think I would never to be able to. Changing cities for higher studies, moving out of the situation that made everything morose, indulging in hobbies helped. Yet when I go back home and chance upon my classmates I tend to avoid them, not because I haven’t forgiven them but they bring back memories that I wish to avoid. What must one do? Face them and walk on or prevent it altogether?
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March 21, 2019 at 10:54 pm
Some people just don’t stop to think before the speak and offer unwanted and unhelpful advice. You wouldn’t have deamons if you hadn’t been abused and tormented. It is a tough question as what to do? I am not a qualified counsellor but as a parent I think you will know when the time is right to face the bully until then just remember the issue belonged to the bully and probably still plagues them. Le grà, Marie
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March 23, 2019 at 2:39 pm
That’s true. Many a times, in fact always, we wrongly think the problem was with us while it was all along the bully who had issues!
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