While searching for support, I was told, by an adult in a position of responsibility that our son… “needed to be more resilient.”
I found their statement to be judgemental. Being judged by an adult and found lacking is not what any child needs when they are suffering because of bullying.
It’s true, being more resilient makes life easier.
It’s also true that children can be over sensitive and they need to be able to identify the difference between occasional teasing, and the type of verbal or physical abuse which deliberately sets out to do harm.
When behaviour has the goal or intention to deliberately hurt, and happens on an regular basis, it wears down a child’s resilience.
Children who are being bullied need empathy. They need their issues to be acknowledged and they need to be affirmed by a statement that says “You are very resilient to have coped with bullying for so long.”
The victim needs to be reassured that the problem lies with the bully, and not with them.
They also need to be informed of what action will be taken and a review date needs to be set. Sticking to the review date is vitally important as the victim has been rendered voiceless by constant bullying and will have lost trust in those around them. We can gain their trust when we live up to our word and prove that we are trust worthy.
It is vitally important that a pro-active approach to bullying is fostered in every school to ensure that every victim of bullying is guaranteed the respect they deserve in a bully free zone.
Have you or your children experienced bullying? Was your child’s resilience worn down? Did anybody have empathy for them and did it make a difference?
Hi... failte (Irish for welcome! and pronounced fall-thhha).
I'm a newbie to blogging, here just over a year, but what a great year it has been!
I've turned the corner to 50 recently and two things become more relevant...time and experiences!
Material possessions are less important! Using time wisely and truly experiencing each day holds a new significance for me!
If you wish..., a little of the back story...
I''m blessed to be married to a kind and loving man for 28 years, we have two children now 19 and 21.
As I approached 40 and searching for something more, whilst holding down my then part-time legal secretarial work, I trained as a voluntary adult literacy tutor, with the hope of helping adults improve their literacy skills and have a second, and better experience of learning!
However, little did I think that wanting to help others improve their lives would see my own life improve beyond measure also!
You see for years I found it difficult to know what to do as I watched our two children suffer at the hands of bullies. Their struggle began to change when I returned to education! Through education I slowly gained valuable knowledge, I grew in confidence and self-esteme and it had a ripple effect!
By 2014, aged 47 I had completed a Higher Certificate in Literacy Development and a B.A. in Adult Education. I love my work as an adult educator, particularly when adults trust me enough to let down their defences and 'let me in'. Then I can help them by getting to know what makes them 'tic' and what 'lights their fire!'.
As an added bonus along the way I've realised that I also have a love of writing and that writing is cathartic (providing psychological relief through written expression of built up emotions), both for my students and myself. This blog enables me to pursue that new-found interest and I've really enjoying reading your blogs, sharing comments, getting to know so many people and gaining new perspectives. I also like to share any little 'gems' of learning I've gathered along the way!
Thanks for sharing your stories and for helping me realise that it is all possible...and that together we write a truly better story!
Much love,
Marie x
Thanks Kim, I’m glad you concur. Thanks for reading and adding to the conversation. If we all went around ‘ignoring’ every problem nothing would ever improve. Brushing it under the carpet, telling the victim to toughen up are just cowardly ways of avoiding responsibility. Marie xx
Kim do you think it would have been helpful to your younger brother when he was being bullied, to be told he needed to be more resilient? Would it have made him feel worse do you think? Xx
Absolutely not! Never would I have said that. No one really understood him the first few years he was in America. He was 9 when we adopted him, he only spoke Korean but was learning English. All I knew, for sure at that time, was that he was my little brother and I would love and protect him. When he was hurting, I would comfort him. I would teach him how to fight back but never would I tell him to ‘take it,’ or be “more resilient.” The so called professional adult who said that to you really needs a lesson in compassion. xo
Kim, thanks you for your reply. I’m a bit unsure, texts can be ambiguous so I hope you didn’t think that I implied you would say such a thing. I recalled you had told me how you would watch out for your brother so I just wondered if a responsible adult said such a thing to him how you would think it would have impacted him. I love that he had you to turn to and that he trust you and was able to tell you what was going on. And yes, the adult needed more than a lesson in compassion!! Xx
I was just agreeing with you. I thank you for the question. I didn’t take your question in a personal way at all, more of a ‘did this work for you?’ And, not only didn’t it work. I’d never do it. Like you, I believe a child needs compassion. ❤
You know, he was a happy guy! Alsays smiling… loved joking around. The language barrier shadowed him into adulthood. He found the US Army and began a career he loved. Tragically, cancer took him at age 37. But he loved life and lived it to the fullest! May we all be so lucky to walk in grace everyday. xo
Kim I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss of your brother to cancer. That must have been difficult for you and all your family. I’m sure you must take comfort in the love and protection you gave him and I can imagine how much he appreciated you. We are blessed for sure to have the grace of another day. Xx
“While searching for support, I was told, by an adult in a position of responsibility that our son… “needed to be more resilient.””
This makes me so angry Marie.
Those of us who have managed to survive years of bullying know that we have had to be very resilient already. And why should it be up to US to put up with something that should not be happening anyway?
It reminds me of the default position of emploers faced with a stressed employee – they send them on ‘resilience training’ to cover their asses legally, rather than deal with the issue at source.
I know Darren, it made me angry too and I felt just like you that bullying should not be happening to an innocent child. Resilience training sounds so managerial, like applying a plaster to a festering wound!
I am going to keep my focus on sharing my story to increase awareness, break the silence and isolation and bring about positive change rather than focus on the failings we experienced. Thanks for adding your thoughts and helping start the conversation. Le grà, Marie
I completely agree. Often as adults we think children are being more sensitive than they ought to be. I was always told I think too much and am over sensitive. I’m and I cannot help it. Not everyone is the same right? And children go through so much that labelling them and advising to them than understanding their point of view doesn’t help. They need encouragement and the assurance that they are doing more than they would have.
True Parakhit, thankfully we are all different! People are so judgemental and quick to label. We are who we are and your sensitivity probably means you are extra kind and empathetic to the welbeing of others, yet people fail to point out our strengths! Thanks for sharing your experience.
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March 9, 2019 at 10:30 pm
well said … same can be said of any form of abuse, be heard and believed!
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March 10, 2019 at 10:13 am
Thanks Kate!
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March 10, 2019 at 4:23 am
Absolutely! The last thing a child needs to hear is just ignore it… they are already suffering and that has to be dealt with. Excellent stance, Marie!
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March 10, 2019 at 10:19 am
Thanks Kim, I’m glad you concur. Thanks for reading and adding to the conversation. If we all went around ‘ignoring’ every problem nothing would ever improve. Brushing it under the carpet, telling the victim to toughen up are just cowardly ways of avoiding responsibility. Marie xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
March 10, 2019 at 3:51 pm
Kim do you think it would have been helpful to your younger brother when he was being bullied, to be told he needed to be more resilient? Would it have made him feel worse do you think? Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 10, 2019 at 6:13 pm
Absolutely not! Never would I have said that. No one really understood him the first few years he was in America. He was 9 when we adopted him, he only spoke Korean but was learning English. All I knew, for sure at that time, was that he was my little brother and I would love and protect him. When he was hurting, I would comfort him. I would teach him how to fight back but never would I tell him to ‘take it,’ or be “more resilient.” The so called professional adult who said that to you really needs a lesson in compassion. xo
LikeLike
March 10, 2019 at 7:46 pm
Kim, thanks you for your reply. I’m a bit unsure, texts can be ambiguous so I hope you didn’t think that I implied you would say such a thing. I recalled you had told me how you would watch out for your brother so I just wondered if a responsible adult said such a thing to him how you would think it would have impacted him. I love that he had you to turn to and that he trust you and was able to tell you what was going on. And yes, the adult needed more than a lesson in compassion!! Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 10, 2019 at 8:03 pm
I was just agreeing with you. I thank you for the question. I didn’t take your question in a personal way at all, more of a ‘did this work for you?’ And, not only didn’t it work. I’d never do it. Like you, I believe a child needs compassion. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 10, 2019 at 8:30 pm
Kim thank you for clarifying. I hope your brother flourished once he overcame the upset of bullying. Marie xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 10, 2019 at 8:53 pm
You know, he was a happy guy! Alsays smiling… loved joking around. The language barrier shadowed him into adulthood. He found the US Army and began a career he loved. Tragically, cancer took him at age 37. But he loved life and lived it to the fullest! May we all be so lucky to walk in grace everyday. xo
LikeLike
March 10, 2019 at 10:13 pm
Kim I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss of your brother to cancer. That must have been difficult for you and all your family. I’m sure you must take comfort in the love and protection you gave him and I can imagine how much he appreciated you. We are blessed for sure to have the grace of another day. Xx
LikeLike
March 11, 2019 at 12:54 pm
“While searching for support, I was told, by an adult in a position of responsibility that our son… “needed to be more resilient.””
This makes me so angry Marie.
Those of us who have managed to survive years of bullying know that we have had to be very resilient already. And why should it be up to US to put up with something that should not be happening anyway?
It reminds me of the default position of emploers faced with a stressed employee – they send them on ‘resilience training’ to cover their asses legally, rather than deal with the issue at source.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 11, 2019 at 4:22 pm
I know Darren, it made me angry too and I felt just like you that bullying should not be happening to an innocent child. Resilience training sounds so managerial, like applying a plaster to a festering wound!
I am going to keep my focus on sharing my story to increase awareness, break the silence and isolation and bring about positive change rather than focus on the failings we experienced. Thanks for adding your thoughts and helping start the conversation. Le grà, Marie
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 21, 2019 at 2:20 pm
I completely agree. Often as adults we think children are being more sensitive than they ought to be. I was always told I think too much and am over sensitive. I’m and I cannot help it. Not everyone is the same right? And children go through so much that labelling them and advising to them than understanding their point of view doesn’t help. They need encouragement and the assurance that they are doing more than they would have.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 21, 2019 at 10:30 pm
True Parakhit, thankfully we are all different! People are so judgemental and quick to label. We are who we are and your sensitivity probably means you are extra kind and empathetic to the welbeing of others, yet people fail to point out our strengths! Thanks for sharing your experience.
LikeLike