Time and the right conditions not only preserve but bring about something of beauty – Marie Clancy.
As hard as I’ve tried, I can’t paint the pain of bullying experienced by our son because the canvas is blank and will remain blank as our son, kept almost all of the painful details to himself.
What I can paint is what we as parents noticed at home, which included, his frustration shown through nasty comments and angry outbursts. His loss of interest in his hobbies. His withdrawal into himself. His sleep pattern changed dramatically, unable to get to sleep resulting in him sleeping longer into the morning and soon he developed insomnia. He was awake at night and asleep during the day. We slowly noticed a real change in his pleasant and warm personality. All these changes led to self-isolation and school refusal.
We stood by helplessly, watching our warm, outgoing, resilient child slowly disengage from all aspects of his normal functioning life.
This did not happen over-night. Being bullied was something that chipped away at his resilience and eventually over years, wore him down.
Every child, no matter their age, sex, nationality, colour or faith is entitled to attend school, to feel happy and included. They deserve to achieve, to the best of their ability, without the fear of bullying and its devastating effects.
The pain of his upset is still visceral as I recall and share these memories. It hurts because I realise, yet again, that the sheer frustration and powerlessness we felt came from feeling unheard in a broken system. This feeling of isolation compounded the impact bullying was having on our family.
Thankfully we have, as a family and individually, empowered ourselves to move forward whilst not diminishing the pain of the past. But instead wanting to put our learning to the service of others. You might like to read our son’s attitude, Bullying…”I am grateful for it all”…
Have you or your children experienced bullying? Did it wear down your child’s resilience? Did it render you silent and make you feel powerless?
I would love to hear your experience so that together we can let other families know that they are not alone.
Hi... failte (Irish for welcome! and pronounced fall-thhha).
I'm a newbie to blogging, here just over a year, but what a great year it has been!
I've turned the corner to 50 recently and two things become more relevant...time and experiences!
Material possessions are less important! Using time wisely and truly experiencing each day holds a new significance for me!
If you wish..., a little of the back story...
I''m blessed to be married to a kind and loving man for 28 years, we have two children now 19 and 21.
As I approached 40 and searching for something more, whilst holding down my then part-time legal secretarial work, I trained as a voluntary adult literacy tutor, with the hope of helping adults improve their literacy skills and have a second, and better experience of learning!
However, little did I think that wanting to help others improve their lives would see my own life improve beyond measure also!
You see for years I found it difficult to know what to do as I watched our two children suffer at the hands of bullies. Their struggle began to change when I returned to education! Through education I slowly gained valuable knowledge, I grew in confidence and self-esteme and it had a ripple effect!
By 2014, aged 47 I had completed a Higher Certificate in Literacy Development and a B.A. in Adult Education. I love my work as an adult educator, particularly when adults trust me enough to let down their defences and 'let me in'. Then I can help them by getting to know what makes them 'tic' and what 'lights their fire!'.
As an added bonus along the way I've realised that I also have a love of writing and that writing is cathartic (providing psychological relief through written expression of built up emotions), both for my students and myself. This blog enables me to pursue that new-found interest and I've really enjoying reading your blogs, sharing comments, getting to know so many people and gaining new perspectives. I also like to share any little 'gems' of learning I've gathered along the way!
Thanks for sharing your stories and for helping me realise that it is all possible...and that together we write a truly better story!
Much love,
Marie x
I don’t have children. I did get into a few fights In school standing up for my brother. I have three, one was adopted from Korea. Kids would bully him until he’d run away from school. It was brutal. He never acted out, though. I believe this must be extremely upsetting for you and your son. What to do about this is beyond me. I hope someone will have some ideas. I wish I could’ve helped. ~k.
Thank you Kim for sharing your family story. I can feel the pain your adopted brother felt, being singled out and excluded but he knew beyond doubt that you had his back and were there for him. That alone would have saved him from the pain of isolation. We have come a long way and learned so much from our experiences. Ýou might like to read this post, Bullying…”I am grateful for it all” https://wordpress.com/post/ree-creates.com?jetpack-copy=3405
I hope the link works for you. Thank you for being here and sharing in our journey! Le grà, Marie xx
Thanks, Marie. I believe he did know… I was always sent to find him, give him a pep talk, walk him back to school and then seek out the bully and confront! The link didn’t work but I’ll pop over to your site and find it😊.
I’m delighted to hear of your courage Kim, so many children stand by and by their inaction inadvertently become passive bullies. I’ll look forward to hearing your thoughts when you do. Xx
Marie, as frustrating as it gets and depressing, the ray of hope was you realizing what your son was going through. A lot of times, parents don’t understand or fail to comprehend, blaming it on puberty and the like. Listening patiently never happens and that only aggravates the problem. I’m grateful that you understood and have been there.
Love and wishes.
Parakhit, you perspective has really helped me realise something new and important… our son sometimes says how appreciative he is for us but now i understand even better how we helped even though we were not able to solve the problem. Thank you so much for this light bulb moment. Xx
And I’m glad to be of any help. Listening does solve half the problem right. You know someone will be there for you, who understands and appreciates you for who you are. That brings in so much confidence and faith. 🙂
I was bullied for being fat and nerdy and bad at sports. Thank God I could get away from the kids outside of school and escape into books and tv shows. I also found my own hobbies, such as needlepoint. But today, with social media, there’s no escape. That’s the worst ~ I can’t imagine the horror of never escaping the peer group.
It’s wonderful to see peer support and empathy. Thank you Paula for sharing and Parikhit for showing your support. That’s a powerful thought “A Silent Killer”. I might just use it as a post title Parikhit. Xx
Paula, I am so sorry to hear the reality you experienced. I glad you found healthy ways to comfort yourself. I will probably write in more detail of our experience of invasive social media and the damage it causes. Thank you for travelling this journey with us. Marie Xx
My daughter had a brief experience with bullies.. while it was difficult, she knew she was not the reason, it were the bullies themselves looking for unfortunate victims… she ignored them, went about living her life and learning and they eventually went away.. while it may not have seemed so at the time, the experience has helped her to be the person she is today… 🙂
“One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” Michael J. Fox
Dutch, I am so glad to hear how your daughter coped. Her resilience has to be admired. Thank you for sharing your experience. Our son has turned his life around and is flourishing now. Le grà, Marie
It seems bullying has become almost epidemic these days, doesn’t it? I’m so sorry your children experienced this Marie. My son was bullied for a while, and like your son, he hid it from us. Thankfully he escaped that situation, but every time I think about that time in his life, I feel a huge amount of guilt and regret. The good news is that he did get past it and is a wonderful young man with a fulfilling life today. I wish the same for your children as well sweet friend.
Terri, thank you for sharing. I know how distressing it was for you and it is all too easy to feel regret and/or guilt. I know I certainly was there so many times when my children were missing out on their education but we would be kind to others and offer words of support, so we have to do the same for ourselves too! I like this quote ““I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
― Maya Angelou
I’m glad your son has been able to move past his experience and flourish. Our son is coming towards the end of his first year in college, something we could only imagine in a distant dream a few years ago! Acceptance and time did the trick! Thank you for your lovely company. Xx
Bullying started for me partly when I was towards the end of junior school and it happened all the way through secondary school.
On top of this, I also had issues at home. So my childhood was difficult for different reasons that I won’t go into here, as my comment would become very long. But the effects of my childhood went into adult. (The effects from that.) In addition to new bad experiences as an adult. But I am ok as I can be now. But it’s took a long time and it continues. 🙂
I am sorry to hear that Liz. Bullying coupled with issues at home must have been very stressful for you. I’m glad you have come to a better place in your life now. Keep up the self-care, it is so important.
Thank you. When I look back, I think how did I manage. A lot of it I think I blocked out as some things that were one time mentioned, I can’t remember. Other things I remember, I am aware I blocked out when I was younger. What I see now, that I wouldn’t have known then was my way of coping.
Self-care is certainly important to me and with other pressures in life can so easily slip. But I do better with it than I used to, so I don’t miss this out often and I make sure I remind myself.
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March 5, 2019 at 12:10 pm
I don’t have children. I did get into a few fights In school standing up for my brother. I have three, one was adopted from Korea. Kids would bully him until he’d run away from school. It was brutal. He never acted out, though. I believe this must be extremely upsetting for you and your son. What to do about this is beyond me. I hope someone will have some ideas. I wish I could’ve helped. ~k.
LikeLiked by 2 people
March 5, 2019 at 12:23 pm
Thank you Kim for sharing your family story. I can feel the pain your adopted brother felt, being singled out and excluded but he knew beyond doubt that you had his back and were there for him. That alone would have saved him from the pain of isolation. We have come a long way and learned so much from our experiences. Ýou might like to read this post, Bullying…”I am grateful for it all” https://wordpress.com/post/ree-creates.com?jetpack-copy=3405
I hope the link works for you. Thank you for being here and sharing in our journey! Le grà, Marie xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 5, 2019 at 1:22 pm
Thanks, Marie. I believe he did know… I was always sent to find him, give him a pep talk, walk him back to school and then seek out the bully and confront! The link didn’t work but I’ll pop over to your site and find it😊.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 5, 2019 at 1:26 pm
I’m delighted to hear of your courage Kim, so many children stand by and by their inaction inadvertently become passive bullies. I’ll look forward to hearing your thoughts when you do. Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 5, 2019 at 1:28 pm
Just read it. A bit speechless. Left a comment. Amazing young man you have raised.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 5, 2019 at 1:32 pm
I appreciate your company! Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 5, 2019 at 1:01 pm
Marie, as frustrating as it gets and depressing, the ray of hope was you realizing what your son was going through. A lot of times, parents don’t understand or fail to comprehend, blaming it on puberty and the like. Listening patiently never happens and that only aggravates the problem. I’m grateful that you understood and have been there.
Love and wishes.
LikeLiked by 2 people
March 5, 2019 at 1:21 pm
Parakhit, you perspective has really helped me realise something new and important… our son sometimes says how appreciative he is for us but now i understand even better how we helped even though we were not able to solve the problem. Thank you so much for this light bulb moment. Xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
March 5, 2019 at 1:42 pm
And I’m glad to be of any help. Listening does solve half the problem right. You know someone will be there for you, who understands and appreciates you for who you are. That brings in so much confidence and faith. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 5, 2019 at 1:40 pm
I was bullied for being fat and nerdy and bad at sports. Thank God I could get away from the kids outside of school and escape into books and tv shows. I also found my own hobbies, such as needlepoint. But today, with social media, there’s no escape. That’s the worst ~ I can’t imagine the horror of never escaping the peer group.
LikeLiked by 4 people
March 5, 2019 at 1:43 pm
I’m so glad for you Paula. It can be so frustrating to live the pains of bullying always, never being able to escape. And isn’t it a silent killer.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 5, 2019 at 2:06 pm
It’s wonderful to see peer support and empathy. Thank you Paula for sharing and Parikhit for showing your support. That’s a powerful thought “A Silent Killer”. I might just use it as a post title Parikhit. Xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
March 5, 2019 at 5:29 pm
Yes, support works wonders!
And I’d be looking forward to a post with that title 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 5, 2019 at 2:01 pm
Paula, I am so sorry to hear the reality you experienced. I glad you found healthy ways to comfort yourself. I will probably write in more detail of our experience of invasive social media and the damage it causes. Thank you for travelling this journey with us. Marie Xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
March 5, 2019 at 3:39 pm
My daughter had a brief experience with bullies.. while it was difficult, she knew she was not the reason, it were the bullies themselves looking for unfortunate victims… she ignored them, went about living her life and learning and they eventually went away.. while it may not have seemed so at the time, the experience has helped her to be the person she is today… 🙂
“One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” Michael J. Fox
LikeLiked by 2 people
March 5, 2019 at 3:51 pm
Dutch, I am so glad to hear how your daughter coped. Her resilience has to be admired. Thank you for sharing your experience. Our son has turned his life around and is flourishing now. Le grà, Marie
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 5, 2019 at 3:57 pm
Glad to hear that all is well and he is doing well… no doubt the experience has helped him also to prepare for life… 🙂
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March 5, 2019 at 5:52 pm
Thank you for being such a wonderful parent and for taking a stand when required!❤️❤️
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March 5, 2019 at 5:55 pm
Thank you Richa, it took a lot of struggles and painful learning to find what worked best but we got there eventually! Xx
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March 5, 2019 at 5:56 pm
That is what matters! XOXO ❤️
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March 5, 2019 at 8:23 pm
It seems bullying has become almost epidemic these days, doesn’t it? I’m so sorry your children experienced this Marie. My son was bullied for a while, and like your son, he hid it from us. Thankfully he escaped that situation, but every time I think about that time in his life, I feel a huge amount of guilt and regret. The good news is that he did get past it and is a wonderful young man with a fulfilling life today. I wish the same for your children as well sweet friend.
LikeLiked by 2 people
March 5, 2019 at 9:52 pm
Terri, thank you for sharing. I know how distressing it was for you and it is all too easy to feel regret and/or guilt. I know I certainly was there so many times when my children were missing out on their education but we would be kind to others and offer words of support, so we have to do the same for ourselves too! I like this quote ““I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
― Maya Angelou
I’m glad your son has been able to move past his experience and flourish. Our son is coming towards the end of his first year in college, something we could only imagine in a distant dream a few years ago! Acceptance and time did the trick! Thank you for your lovely company. Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 6, 2019 at 2:35 am
another powerful post and more readers commenting … the word is spreading!
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March 6, 2019 at 9:17 am
Thank you Kate. All in its own good time! Xx
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March 6, 2019 at 9:34 am
well done Marie!
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May 3, 2019 at 12:48 pm
Bullying started for me partly when I was towards the end of junior school and it happened all the way through secondary school.
On top of this, I also had issues at home. So my childhood was difficult for different reasons that I won’t go into here, as my comment would become very long. But the effects of my childhood went into adult. (The effects from that.) In addition to new bad experiences as an adult. But I am ok as I can be now. But it’s took a long time and it continues. 🙂
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May 3, 2019 at 2:28 pm
I am sorry to hear that Liz. Bullying coupled with issues at home must have been very stressful for you. I’m glad you have come to a better place in your life now. Keep up the self-care, it is so important.
LikeLiked by 1 person
May 3, 2019 at 3:13 pm
Thank you. When I look back, I think how did I manage. A lot of it I think I blocked out as some things that were one time mentioned, I can’t remember. Other things I remember, I am aware I blocked out when I was younger. What I see now, that I wouldn’t have known then was my way of coping.
Self-care is certainly important to me and with other pressures in life can so easily slip. But I do better with it than I used to, so I don’t miss this out often and I make sure I remind myself.
LikeLiked by 1 person
May 3, 2019 at 8:41 pm
Sounds like you have learned a lot as a result of it all! Xx
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