
Trigger Warning – Bullying, upsetting read, almost 1.9k word count and only a synopsis of our story.
If I could paint a picture of the pain of bullying I would because a picture can say much more than any amount of words. But I hope my words can help you understand young lives tainted, damaged and almost destroyed by bullying.
Begin by taking a nice relaxing breath and feel the peace and contentment of a happy life…Just breath.
Now I add two children and we see the eldest overcome some challenges, such as being shy, a characteristic of many first children. Because of relocating, we support her through changing school after one year. Our youngest child began life weighing 2lb 9oz and was the best Christmas present we brought home, that Christmas, three months after he was born and daily drives one hour each way. Now laugh with us and imagine the relief of a diagnosis of full health for him at the age of one. No heart murmur. No lung deficiency. No eye sight problems as predicted. We feel proud and happy as we watch him run into school without a backward glance, loving all the new activity and company.
Journey with us as we take another relaxing breath and practice gratitude for two happy, healthy children aged five and seven. Following our heart, values and beliefs we raise them to be loving and kind; to watch out for the welfare of others and to go out of their way to be inclusive and help others feel they belong. Ironic really how the tables turn on us.
Now picture the knot in my stomach as I notice things begin to change… see a tummy bug that needed a few days hospitalisation leave its mark on Emma. Notice her upset going to school, lunch not eaten. Hear her tell stories of her lunch being taken on her. Hear her recount tales of constant name calling, jibing and mocking. Feel her pain as they make fun of her prominent teeth and her love of galloping around the playground instead of running because of her infatuation with horses. Approach the teacher. Get reassurances of an eye on the matter. Confront a young boy’s carer for his bullying of her on the school bus. Get more reassurances.
Soon we notice the tears, bitter tears of being excluded by one or two girls. We watch as more of her circle follow their lead and she’s left feeling frustrated and lonely. School anxiety starts to develop, tears and tummy aches rack her body and people mindlessly comment how thin she is. We see her push her food around her plate…and then around some more. We are at a loss for what to do as family trips to cafes or restaurants become a nightmare.
Soon separation anxiety develops as I carry her into school and peel her off me, as I try to reassure her that today will be better; the children will be lovely and friendly.
Add in lots of GP visits, referrals to counsellors, psychotherapy and meetings with teachers. I feel my own health deteriorate as I battle to cope with fibromyalgia. We watch homework suffering and educational milestones not being achieved. I listen as I’m advised by school staff to have an educational assessment done but in the same breath advised that I’ll have to pay and arrange it privately, again unsupported as the government only fund two per year and more disadvantaged children in her school need it. See some school supports come onboard, extra learning support and confidence building. Pay for a second Educational Psychologist’s report, needed before she enters secondary school, to access extra support there. Watch her adjust well to secondary school, relatively happy during 1st year with no supports offered or thankfully needed.
Feel the kick in my gut as Emma’s happy 1st year turns into an upset 2nd year and a return to more of the same. Bullying begins again with more tears, more anxiety, more loneliness and exclusion.
We try to find opportunities that build Emma’s confidence and self-esteem. We send her to pottery classes and see her flourish and then watch as even in the privacy of her own home she is a victim, as we laugh and enjoy the company of relatives over Christmas, she is hounded online. We witness her stress as two girls send texts with nasty, abusive messages. We contact the Gardaì and find there’s not much we can do. We change her phone sim.
First day back after Christmas we advise the school in case she should be targeted by these girls in person. We receive a phone call from the school. We are told that the two girls are reprimanded. Later I listen in shock when I’m summoned to the school to collect our emotionally upset child having been physically attacked, dragged to the floor by her hair and kicked and punched by one of the girls on the school premises. See the nasty black and blue bruise leave its mark on her skin, knowing full well the ongoing abuse is leaving its nasty tentacles entwined even deeper within. Read horrible lies posted about her on a social media site to slander and ridicule her. We later find out the girl had a crush on a boy Emma was friendly with. We approach the parents. We are kind, we ask for respect, we say we won’t involve the law.
In the meantime we watch her so upset and frightened at home, refusing school for weeks. Myself and Emma listen as we are told by school staff to “build a wall and put it all (the bullying & assault) behind you.” and we support her decision to change school. We feel our own stress levels increase. We grasp moments of self-care but stress and fibromyalgia don’t make for a good mix as I struggle to keep positive and find solutions.
We breath another huge, relaxing breath as she flourishes in her new school. She tells us she feels accepted, she feels part of the group. She no longer feels isolated. We see her take on new experiences and even a school adventure trip for five days away from home.
I gag and dry-retch, I choke and sufficate, imagining how she felt when they poured water down her throat while she slept; minding her own business, doing no harm to anyone!
I almost reach cracking point as I see her retreat into herself, go to school and get phone calls to bring her home sick. One boy begins bullying her on the school bus. It’s more than she can handle. We forfeit the fee. I drive her to school and then drive to work. We face more GP visits, psychological appointments, lots of time and energy draining travel as we again face point blank school refusal. This school has a Home School Liaison Officer and I feel relieved to get some help with mountains of paperwork to obtain home school hours and Emma achieves her Leaving Certificate despite all the torment and abuse.
Years later Emma, and then I, get messages from the bully who physically asaulted her, telling of her regret, her distress, her depression, anxiety and attempted suicide because of what she did. When I receive the message, I am taken off guard and feel a horrific and tangible need to rip that bully apart but instead I hear our amazing daughter Emma say how she has forgiven her…I breath deeply as I read the bully’s messages telling me she was bullied previously and was afraid of being bullied again. She admitted to portraying a tough image by being a bully to prevent further bullying of herself. That day I learned a lesson in compassion and I tell the girl it’s ok, don’t worry, access supports, do well in college, stay in touch.
I try not to think about the other bullies who verbally asaulted and excluded Emma but have never had the guts to apologise. Again we offer it up, practice forgiveness and wish them peace and progression. We have to in order to find peace and progression ourselves.
And later still we witness the distress, we see the anxiety, the new courses; some completed some not. We got phone calls from Emma, living away from home while in further courses telling of her panic attacks. We drive many times to comfort her.
We see her anxiety peak again and watch as her clothes become too big, knowing the anxiety grips her throat and messes with her appetite. We see her busy herself baking and sculpting, trying to ward off the omni-present anxiety, creating things of beauty and we remind ourselves that unfinished courses, a career or thoughtless people who never ask how she is doing but instead ask “what’s she doing with herself” don’t matter one bit and we listen as those parents proceed to recount how their daughter, her peers, her bullies both active and passive, excel and achieved their third level qualifications.
We watch her as she reaches out for help and is told it’s five weeks to see a Counsellor – pathetic public Irish healthcare service. A mix up because I’m busy coping with my own health and trying to work and her difficulty managing her timetable see her inadvertently miss that five week awaited appointment. We all feel frustrated when a phone call can’t reschedule her appointment and we are told her file is closed and she is referred back to her GP. She has to book another GP appointment and must request another letter of referral to a Counsellor from her GP. We practice patience, encourage, hold her and reassure her…soon the help will come.
We see her eat less, fit size 6 clothes and yet her spirit fights on. We both marvel as she learns Dutch with her phone app. We admire how she lobbies every politician for a service dog, unheard of in Ireland but which might just enable her complete a new course by helping her ward off panic attacks on the train.
We share that story here
We encourage her as she appeals to the welfare system for a companion pass so one of us could travel with her on the train. We try hard again to practice and encourage patience as she waits in hope that a human being will pass her application. But even when it’s refused for a second time we remind ourselves that she doesn’t need a travel pass as she barely manages a half hour drive to numerous appointments each week without us having to pull in and stop the car to help her contain the panic she feels. She has a driving licence but driving is not an option for her at present.
So what can we do? We do the best we can do. We trust it will all work out. We believe in her. We just love her and we admire her amazing resilience because we know any of those bullies would have crumbled under the strain years ago.
Oh and by the way, that’s just what was going on for our daughter. Our son was bullied too… but he hid it from us for a long time, instead he showed us his insomnia and isolation. We believe he tried to save us the additional pain of more bullying. I initially tried to share that story in Bullying & Beyond… Painting the pain, part three.
If you think this could help anyone who was or is a victim of bullying realise that they are not alone, please feel free to share. If you have been told by your school that your child was or is a bully, please consider the pain they have or are causing. I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you for reading!
Le grà,
Mindfully Marie xx
February 1, 2019 at 8:39 pm
Oh Marie, this brought me to tears. I can’t imagine what your wonderful daughter has gone through, or what you, as her mother, felt as you saw it happening. It’s so heartbreaking to watch our children experience any kind of hard times, much less the level of torture your daughter endured. It speaks volumes of her character that she was willing to forgive after everything she’s been through.
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February 1, 2019 at 8:51 pm
Hi Terri, that’s exactly why I put the warning on it! I knew it could be a distressing read. Thank you for your lovely comment. She is doing her very best and I know her lovely nature will get her to the place she is meant to go. My children have thought me what’s really important in life so I don’t sweat the irrelevant things! Thank you for your company. Have a lovely weekend. Xx
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February 1, 2019 at 9:10 pm
Although it’s heartbreaking to think of a child going through what she’s been through, it’s important for the story to be told. Perhaps by sharing your (her) story you can make people realize how severe the consequences of bullying can be, and maybe, just maybe, make those would-be bullies think before they act. I hope you have a lovely weekend as well sweet friend!
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February 1, 2019 at 9:13 pm
Thank you Terri, exactly why I started my Bullying and Beyond posts, to start a conversation, raise awareness and maybe bring a glimmer of hope! Le grà, Marie xx
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February 1, 2019 at 10:17 pm
Heartbreaking post Marie…..and your daughter has already learnt forgiveness. Trust the path will be smoother in the future.
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February 1, 2019 at 11:42 pm
Thank you Len…yes she is mature beyond her years! It has though us some great lessons for sure! Warm Irish hug.
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February 1, 2019 at 11:47 pm
Marie. I can’t find the words… I understand, NOW, after reading this the lives affected by bullying are many. I am torn up over this. For your entire family! I was never bullied in school. I don’t have children. I don’t know what I’d do with this information as the adult in this type of situation. ??? What to do? Sharing this has given me an incredible amount of concern. I’ll be happy to share this message as well as additional posts on this serious topic. I am so very sorry.
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February 2, 2019 at 6:10 am
Hi Kim, thank you for your boundless empathy, something sadly lacking in some people in today’s world! That was our problem all along… what to do? I am not here to point the finger of blame as that is pointless. We did everything we could, and I remind myself that people in positions of support and authority did likewise…this quote sums it up nicely… “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
― Maya Angelou
But now as I learn from this journey, I will do better and maybe others will like what they see and try a little harder too! Le grà, Marie xx
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February 2, 2019 at 6:22 am
We do know better, we need to do better! I hope this raises awareness. I know by just reading what you wrote, it has raised mine.~k
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February 2, 2019 at 6:25 am
You have made my day already Kim and it is only 6.23am, just knowing that even one more person can understand the impact of bullying! I am so grateful for your company! Xx
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February 2, 2019 at 6:31 am
My honor.
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February 1, 2019 at 11:50 pm
Reblogged this on Stone in the Road and commented:
What a mother has to go through as she watches her child suffer bullying. Incredibly difficult material to read.
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February 2, 2019 at 6:16 am
Kim, thank you for helping me cause a ripple! I am just a drop in a local river but it does join the sea. Our story can have a positive impact and be of support to some other family feeling isolated by bullying. Thank you so much for your reblog. Blessings and heartfelt thanks! Le grà, Marie xx
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February 2, 2019 at 6:23 am
You are so very welcome!
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February 2, 2019 at 6:25 am
Warm Irish hugs! Xx
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February 2, 2019 at 1:06 pm
Oh Marie, Im so sorry for your daughter and your son. It is heartbreaking what people can do to each other. I have appreciated how much you are willing to share your family’s pain in order to teach us about bullying.
I wish I could hug you and reassure you are being heard and these posts make a difference.
I wish only good things and and internal peace for your beautiful, resilient, kind daughter.
❤️❤️
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February 2, 2019 at 4:13 pm
Alexis Rose, I really appreciate your supportive response. We have come through the worst of it and are different and stronger as a result. I would really love that hug you offered and I hold out hope that it will be possible we meet some day! Your confirmation that my posts are being heard is so encouraging and I believe that I will achieve what I am setting out to achieve. Your wish of inner peace is appreciated and I will pass it on to her. Warm Irish hugs Alexis Rose and many thanks! Le grà, Marie xx
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February 2, 2019 at 5:35 pm
xx
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February 3, 2019 at 4:34 pm
Such vile, awful degrees of bullying. But then for the bully to feel so utterly horrid about what she did, to have that daughter forgive her but still feel those after-shocks throughout her life all the same… And for your son to experience it too. I’m so sorry they’ve had to go through all of that. What I experienced being bullied seems to pale in comparison, but I felt it, and still feel it, it left its mark well enough throughout the years that it never truly disappears. Such a painful picture of bullying. The effects are pervasive, and affect so many. You have written this so honestly and openly, Marie, and I can only imagine the gut-wrenching heartache it must be to know what you’ve children have endured. Thank you for sharing this ♥
Caz xxxx
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February 3, 2019 at 5:28 pm
It was a long journey Caz but it has taught us many lessons. I’m sure your experience was every bit as unpleasant for you at the time and still is if it never disappears. I hope you have, and had support with it and find peace. Thank you for joining in the conversation! Le grà, Marie xx
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February 4, 2019 at 8:27 pm
While I was reading this, I felt my stomach stiffen up. It’s heart-wrenching for a mother to know her children are going through this; and it even hit a soft-spot for your son because so many boys hide their emotions and suffer in silence. You have a wise daughter Marie, for forgiving the “bully”. My niece was 10 years old when she told me a group of girls were teasing her/isolating her. She didn’t tell her parents – but I urged her to do so. I even took a day off from work and met with the “bully’s” grandmother. Girls can be mean when they’re in groups. Be well and continue to raise awareness!
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February 4, 2019 at 8:42 pm
Thank you Bernice for joining in the conversation and sharing your experience. I’m glad you were able to support your niece! It’s heart-wrenching standing by, limited in what you can do and seeing your child’s immediate distress but dealing with the long term fall out on your child is in some ways even more difficult. I will try my best and trust that it will happen as it is meant to. Xx
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February 4, 2019 at 9:08 pm
Oh my goodness, Marie. This broke my heart. It’s unreal to believe that was your experience, that people behave that way. Children, maybe, if they’re not being properly guided, but for the parents to enable the behaviour is so disgusting and disheartening. Hugs to you, your family and your beautiful daughter. She is obviously an exceptional human being and that’s why she was so threatening.
💕 Amanda
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February 4, 2019 at 9:18 pm
Thank you Amanda for your beautiful warm and heartfelt response! We did a lot to stand up to the bullying and we sought out support but bullying takes its toll. It has taken me over two years to even pen this but I feel I have to, to raise awareness and to let any other victim know they are not alone! She was ‘herself’, never a sheep, unique, wonderful and you are correct, they were threatened by her. Le grà, Marie xx
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February 5, 2019 at 10:12 pm
It really does take a toll. I know the incident I experienced had a profound effect on how I approach the world even now. So important that you’re sharing your story. 💕
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February 5, 2019 at 10:32 pm
Thank you Amanda, for your encouragement. I really appreciate you taking time to read and comment.
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February 7, 2019 at 8:05 pm
I am so sorry for this pain. Your daughter sounds amazing. In spite of all she’s suffered so is fighting for her own wellbeing and she can forgive. Love sent to you and your family. Keep fighting the good fight, Marie! You are amazing too!
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February 7, 2019 at 9:40 pm
Without it we wouldn’t be who we are Brenda but I really appreciate your kind comment and concern! It has thought us a lot! My two children have thought me a lot. Yes I agree, she is amazing, I found peace when she showed me how to forgive! Thanks again for your company on this journey. Xx
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February 18, 2019 at 5:46 pm
This was the saddest thing I’ve read. I could relate in ways more than one and at the same time I am so happy and glad that your daughter went miles to vanquish her demons. She is the bravest soul around! 🙂
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February 18, 2019 at 6:37 pm
Knowing somebody understands means so much Parikhit. She loved your belief in her! Thank you so much. I hope you are well. Le grà, Marie
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February 19, 2019 at 3:15 am
And I know happier and exciting things await her. 🙂
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February 19, 2019 at 8:28 am
I do to and hopefully she will see that for herself too. I’m very grateful for your company Parikhit! Be well, be happy! X
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February 19, 2019 at 8:55 am
Fingers crossed 🙂
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February 22, 2019 at 3:21 pm
Marie. I saw this post earlier but found it upsetting to read because of my own history.
However I have now read it and am horrified.
I desperately wish there were something I could do that would mean nobody has to go through what she did. She is being vocal and campaigning yet I am not sure I have her strength.
She will be a stronger and more compassionate adult because of what she went through, but I so wish it had not happened.
x
(by the way – I am learning French with a phone app, much to Dominique’s amusement)
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