Last night I caught myself…not in the nick of time, but certainly in time to reduced my time in the ‘Sin Bin!’ You might wonder whether I am a rugby player but I can confirm that is certainly not the case!
When I say ‘Sin Bin‘ I am referring to being caught up in an upsetting incident or any emotional state where suffering is happening.
Here’s an outline…Last night I made an assumption that ‘somebody’ was going to do something for me to support me. I expected them to be there for me.
So I was shocked when I didn’t get the support I expected. I got a ‘No’. And oh boy, my child-self jumped at the chance to act up! I went silent and I sulked. I gave out a little too. I opted for an early night in bed; to run away from the problem…but as I was preparing for bed thankfully I realised,…I became aware…that I had made an assumption of support. I hadn’t asked in plain English for what I needed. The fractured communication meant that ‘someone’ was not fully aware of what I needed. As a result they had made alternative plans. I realised, that just as I had a right to ask and expect…they had an equal right to say ‘No’ and expect a mature acceptance.
Thankfully by realising; by becoming aware, I got myself out of the ‘Sin Bin‘ after a short period of time. I saved myself a lot of emotional upset and physical pain. I remember back to a previous post where it took a long time suffering before logic returned. If you wish, read about that learning journey here Wise or otherwise?
I am so grateful that I have grown and learned from that experience. I am grateful to constantly be developing my awareness. I am grateful to be reminded of the importance of clear communication.
Realising that although I am there a lot for ‘someone,’ doesn’t mean they have to be there for me and if I only give of myself expecting a return then that’s not true, unselfish giving. That is conditional giving…giving on condition of a return!
I hope you found my reflection helpful. I would love to hear your comments or any experience where you grew in awareness.
Hi... failte (Irish for welcome! and pronounced fall-thhha).
I'm a newbie to blogging, here just over a year, but what a great year it has been!
I've turned the corner to 50 recently and two things become more relevant...time and experiences!
Material possessions are less important! Using time wisely and truly experiencing each day holds a new significance for me!
If you wish..., a little of the back story...
I''m blessed to be married to a kind and loving man for 28 years, we have two children now 19 and 21.
As I approached 40 and searching for something more, whilst holding down my then part-time legal secretarial work, I trained as a voluntary adult literacy tutor, with the hope of helping adults improve their literacy skills and have a second, and better experience of learning!
However, little did I think that wanting to help others improve their lives would see my own life improve beyond measure also!
You see for years I found it difficult to know what to do as I watched our two children suffer at the hands of bullies. Their struggle began to change when I returned to education! Through education I slowly gained valuable knowledge, I grew in confidence and self-esteme and it had a ripple effect!
By 2014, aged 47 I had completed a Higher Certificate in Literacy Development and a B.A. in Adult Education. I love my work as an adult educator, particularly when adults trust me enough to let down their defences and 'let me in'. Then I can help them by getting to know what makes them 'tic' and what 'lights their fire!'.
As an added bonus along the way I've realised that I also have a love of writing and that writing is cathartic (providing psychological relief through written expression of built up emotions), both for my students and myself. This blog enables me to pursue that new-found interest and I've really enjoying reading your blogs, sharing comments, getting to know so many people and gaining new perspectives. I also like to share any little 'gems' of learning I've gathered along the way!
Thanks for sharing your stories and for helping me realise that it is all possible...and that together we write a truly better story!
Much love,
Marie x
wow great insights here … you are indeed growing as a worthy person … we need to communicate our needs clearly! And give without expectation or it’s not genuine giving. Kudos to you for saving both of you so much unnecessary heart ache 🙂
Thank you so much Kate for such thoughtful feedback and I’m glad you found something of interest in this! I think good communication is so important and sadly lacking!
Kate on a previous post you encouraged me to share even one tip on bullying and I did just that last Saturday! If you haven’t seen it you might check it out and let me know what you think. I’d really appreciate that. Thank you for your encouragement! I also have my next post on bullying scheduled for Friday next. Xx
This is spot on lovely. xx I am guilty of having high expectations. Treat others the way you want to be treated is how they develop insight of our needs. I am not however an excellent communicator. That often leads to disappointment. xx To have a need fully met….spit it out. xxx
Thank you, what a lovely comment “spot on lovely!” High expectations and perfectionist traits can caus us a lot of pain. I’m always amazed with our lack of communication and the upset it can cause and believe in a pleasant and kind version of spit it out! Xx
Yes, I had to let go of perfectionism. It wasn’t reasonable in a simplistic lifestyle. Instead of high expectations, I should have said high standards. I have those back now after lowering them in previous relationships.
Communication. I stopped doing this in my marriage, and eventually stopped talking at all. It’s amazing how we condition ourselves to survive. It took time to be willing to open the lines of communication, and sometimes I do have to just spit it out, but people know this about me and we usually laugh at how rough it sounded. xx Thank you lovely! xxx
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November 24, 2018 at 1:11 am
wow great insights here … you are indeed growing as a worthy person … we need to communicate our needs clearly! And give without expectation or it’s not genuine giving. Kudos to you for saving both of you so much unnecessary heart ache 🙂
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November 24, 2018 at 8:55 am
Thank you so much Kate for such thoughtful feedback and I’m glad you found something of interest in this! I think good communication is so important and sadly lacking!
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November 24, 2018 at 9:01 am
absolutely, the crux of most of our problems are perception and communication … I love to see people growing 🙂
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November 27, 2018 at 4:58 pm
Kate on a previous post you encouraged me to share even one tip on bullying and I did just that last Saturday! If you haven’t seen it you might check it out and let me know what you think. I’d really appreciate that. Thank you for your encouragement! I also have my next post on bullying scheduled for Friday next. Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
November 27, 2018 at 8:02 pm
ah then hope you are posting the right tags so those who need it are following you … as time allows 🙂
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November 27, 2018 at 9:25 pm
I’m not sure, not my strong point, maybe you can let me know what you think!
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November 27, 2018 at 9:32 pm
suitable tags would be bullying, parenting, etc
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November 27, 2018 at 9:42 pm
Pretty on track so!
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November 27, 2018 at 9:44 pm
yeh, let it build up as you publish them … word gets around when you publish from the heart 🙂
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December 3, 2018 at 8:41 pm
This is spot on lovely. xx I am guilty of having high expectations. Treat others the way you want to be treated is how they develop insight of our needs. I am not however an excellent communicator. That often leads to disappointment. xx To have a need fully met….spit it out. xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 3, 2018 at 9:17 pm
Thank you, what a lovely comment “spot on lovely!” High expectations and perfectionist traits can caus us a lot of pain. I’m always amazed with our lack of communication and the upset it can cause and believe in a pleasant and kind version of spit it out! Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 4, 2018 at 9:05 pm
Yes, I had to let go of perfectionism. It wasn’t reasonable in a simplistic lifestyle. Instead of high expectations, I should have said high standards. I have those back now after lowering them in previous relationships.
Communication. I stopped doing this in my marriage, and eventually stopped talking at all. It’s amazing how we condition ourselves to survive. It took time to be willing to open the lines of communication, and sometimes I do have to just spit it out, but people know this about me and we usually laugh at how rough it sounded. xx Thank you lovely! xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 4, 2018 at 9:52 pm
You’re welcome, thank you for your company and chatty comment. Xx
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