
The moment came… I knew I finally had to call ‘TIME,’ I finally had to say… ‘NO.‘
I’m pretty sure my life is not too dissimilar to many of yours. I have family and friends, I have a career, a home and dogs. I have an illness. I have meals to cook and bills to pay but for a while I’ve been really struggling. The daily grind had become harder. Pain and fatigue had been eating away at the passion within me. My motivation had dwindled. For someone who is a ‘glass half full’ person, I found this difficult to cope with!
So after a lot of deliberating, I had to face my employer and I had to do something very difficult. I had to admit that I could not… just simply could not, return to work. I know it must have looked strange after two months of Summer holidays with plenty of time to recharge but my health finally shouted loud, and long enough and against my will I was forced to listen…My body told me I could not give what I had not got. I needed to call ‘TIME.’
Now almost five weeks on and I’m beginning to feel a little better. Better still I’m finally beginning to learn from the whole experience.
I thought you might be interested in some of the insights I’ve gained…
I’ve had to learn to listen to my body. You can only ill treat it and ignore it’s cries for so long.
I’ve had to learn to respect my body by giving it the time out and rest that it needs.
I’ve had to learn to speak up for myself, admitting that I could not commit to what was expected of me, was very difficult.
I’ve had to learn to let go of the pretence. For almost 20 years I’ve pretended to be something I’m not. I’ve pretended to be well but in fact I’ve got an illness that impacts and restricts every part of my daily life. It took courage to overcome my fear of being seen as a failure.
I’ve had to fight for my rights to illness benefit even after presenting certificates from my GP but I contained my emotions and focused on the issue; my financial stability.
I’ve had to withstand the pressure of enquiries about when I expected to be fit enough to return to work. I chose not to see this as bullying but instead as an administrative timetabling issues.
I’ve had to find the strength to say no initially but harder still I’ve had to find the strength to accept myself for saying no and for slowing down. Finding peace for myself within that decision was probably the most difficult hurdle I had to overcome. Thank you Dr.Andrea at Thriving Under Pressure for your timely post and comment. The Paradox of Strength
I’ve had to silence the self-doubt that comes with an invisible illness because for example, you might have seen me out for a twenty minute walk and heck, I look well. I’ve had to remind myself that you won’t see my post exercise malaise or feel the pain the next two hours or entire evening will bring.
I’ve had to do battle between exhaustion and isolation and try to make peace with these two evils. Read about that battle here.
I’ve had to learn to let go, trusting that the things I don’t reach on are not necessarily vital things and that the people I don’t reach on will understand and not cut our connections.
I’ve had to learn that life goes on without me, my role can easily be covered by another healthier body and I’ve had to work hard to accept the lack of enquiries as to my wellbeing from my employer and not engage in predictive thinking where your inner voice wants you to believe it’s because you are easily replaced.
I’ve had to ask myself “who am I” without my job, without my students and colleagues and I’ve acknowledged that I need people in my life but I’ve also acknowledged that you can be alone in a crowd. Thank you Dutch for your insightful comments and shared quotes. Dutch @ onthepathleasttraveled
I’ve had to learn that I don’t need to travel this road alone. I’ve done that for 20 years too long. Now I need support with this illness and I’ve already learned a lot about CFS/fibro in the last week or two and I’m hoping to come to understand it and myself a little bit more. Thanks Jennifer @ Tea with Jennifer for a lightbulb moment…Knowing your bodies capacity
Saying ‘No’ meant I stepped into the unknown. It was a sign that I was finally unable to contain my vulnerability, and that was scary territory for me. I used to be able to manage my CFS/fibro and hide my vulnerability. By calling ‘TIME” and finally saying STOP – FULL STOP, I have learned a lot and now I am stronger than I was. I have regained some motivation and the passion is returning. Also, the cat is out of the bag… I no longer have a hidden illness. I am Marie with CFS/fibro and if my life has to change as a result then I say, bring it on!
Thanks for taking time to visit and please feel free to share your thoughts. I will reply to your comments as quickly as I can.
Have you had similar struggles? Have you hidden behind a mask? Have you like me, been afraid of being a failure?
How do you bring passion back into your life?
Much love,
Marie xx
September 29, 2018 at 6:12 pm
Hello Marie,
There is no shame in having health issues… they happen and like life’s challenges, you will learn to deal with those issues… you are doing what you should do, taking control of you life, stepping back and discovering yourself.. “I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship.” Louisa May Alcott
One needs to rebuild from one’s inner self (I use meditation also and that helps a great deal) and as you progress you will grow stronger and better able to deal with issues… and perhaps in the future, when you are ready, you might wish to contemplate working from home in some manner, set your own work life… you are a courageous and intelligent person and you have all kinds of options waiting for you… 🙂
“My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze.. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny”. Elaine Maxwell
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September 29, 2018 at 7:45 pm
Hi Dutch thanks for your kind reply and apt quotes, it’s what keeps me reading your posts! Working from home is my goal Dutch but I still have to discover in what way. I know it will all come about when the time is right!
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September 30, 2018 at 9:23 am
When you are truly inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project… your mind transcends its limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world! Then those dormant forces, faculties and talents inside you become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.” Patanjali “
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September 30, 2018 at 10:11 am
I love that quote Dutch and it’s very true. We get carried on the tide when we have a project we love and often this is when we are involved in helping others achieve their goals. Have a peace filled day!
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September 30, 2018 at 12:31 pm
You have a wonderful day, and every day, filled with love and happiness!!… 🙂
“No road is too long for him who advances slowly and does not hurry, and no attainment is beyond his reach who equips himself with patience to achieve it.” Jean de La Bruyere
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September 30, 2018 at 3:34 pm
The quotes just keep getting better and better! Have a great day Dutch!
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September 29, 2018 at 6:26 pm
Marie, your words forced me to take notice for I too am a far cry from who I used to be. Years worth I had to be the “strong” one regardless that I myself have been dealing with chronic pain and a back that is no longer what it once was. I’ve just thrown the towel in little by little, demanding that others stop seeing me as always the strong one, the one to lean on. I am very particular in what “battles” to take on. I’ve learned to stop beating myself up for not doing what I used to be able to do. And my most favorite word, or at least one of them, is no. I am seriously proud of you for all you have come to understand for this process of accepting ourselves as we are now is far from easy. I applaud you!! 💖
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September 29, 2018 at 7:51 pm
AmyRose, your words are so encouraging, thank you so much for reading and taking time to share your experience. You too have had your own journey towards acceptance of self. I am learning so much through my blog and am so grateful for all the knowledge and support that fellow bloggers share. Be happy. Xx
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September 29, 2018 at 8:33 pm
You are so welcome!!
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September 29, 2018 at 10:15 pm
Marie my friend, I am so glad you did this. Take your time. Recover. Look for those new opportunities.
Hugs, Darren
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September 29, 2018 at 10:30 pm
Thank you Darren! We definitely learn best from challenging situations. I’m unsure what the coming weeks will bring but regardless I know I’ll come to know myself at a deeper level. Thanks for stopping in and for your encouraging comment. Xx
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September 29, 2018 at 10:31 pm
You know where I am if I can help. X
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September 30, 2018 at 1:11 am
I understand what you are going through. I live with depression and anxiety. When they creep up and I want to do nothing people look at me like really what is wrong with you? Invisible illness such as depression, anxiety, Fibro etc. are kinda looked at differently. Keep moving forward. Sounds like giving yourself time to collect self and get it all back in order is working. I wish you great success. 🙂
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September 30, 2018 at 7:12 am
Thank you for stopping in, reading and taking time to share your experiences. It can’t be easy for you coping with anxiety and depression but I hope you find blogging helps. I agree that there is still a lot of stigma around these illnesses. I appreciate your encouragement and will try to take it one step at a time! Much love xx
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September 30, 2018 at 12:28 pm
😊
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September 30, 2018 at 1:45 am
I’ve had to give up many things due to my health issues. Some of them I absolutely had to sacrifice because I simply couldn’t physically do them any more, but some things have had to be put to the side so that I would have the energy and ability to do the things that truly mean the most to me. It really is like the whole “spoon analogy”.
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September 30, 2018 at 7:17 am
It must have taken a lot of strength to cope with sacrificing so many things from your life but I guess you have learned to prioritise the important things! Thanks so much for sharing your struggle and how you overcame it. I admire your determination and resilience! Xx
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September 30, 2018 at 2:32 am
You are most welcome Marie, I am glad to have shed a little light in the darkness of chronic illness 😀
So glad you are being kinder to yourself! ♥
Jennifer
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September 30, 2018 at 7:22 am
Thank you Jennifer. It’s funny how much we learn everyday and yet there are so many gems of wisdom out there still waiting to be discovered. Yours has helped me better understand my omnipresent fatigue and pain all the better and as a result be kinder and more empathetic to myself. Keep sharing!
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October 1, 2018 at 1:17 am
Learning to say no is so hard, and yet also so very important. For me, it is a lesson I have to relearn time and time again. Good for you for starting down this road….it is key to happiness, I think!
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October 1, 2018 at 12:05 pm
Ann I always look forward to your wise input and I agree with you, it is a vital component of happiness and we don’t solve everything by saying ‘no’ just one time. Thanks for reminding me that this is something I will have to face time and time again. If we didn’t have the need to say no it would probably be a sign we had given up and pulled out of all social interactions!
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October 1, 2018 at 8:53 pm
Marie, I absolutely understand what you are saying here. I can totally relate. When I could no longer work for longer than 2 hrs a day and couldn’t go back to my job there was (and sometimes) still is a myriad of emotions. Good for you, for taking care of yourself! ❤️❤️
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October 1, 2018 at 9:29 pm
Thank you, your shared experience, empathy and encouraging words mean so much!
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October 2, 2018 at 2:52 pm
Calling “time” is one of the absolute most difficult things in the world for me. I have a tendency to say “yes” to any question that begins “Do you want to…?”
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October 2, 2018 at 5:14 pm
Thank you Laurie, you made me laugh! I jump to that same question also! Definitely it was the hardest thing I ever did. I gave days agonising over it but now it has caused something to shift in me and opened up communication!
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October 5, 2018 at 10:40 pm
Marie, I am so glad I have a chance to read your blogs. They don’t seem to come up in my newsfeed even though I’m a follower. So you’re probably thinking I’m binge-reading which I am. But I always believe in the timeliness of life so I think I’m supposed to be reading now. I’m not good at giving up so I get it. But self-care is essential especially when we’re moms. I wish you healing love and support. I’m here for you! xx
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October 6, 2018 at 10:37 am
Janie, late or early you are welcom anytime and I’ve always enjoyed our messages. I think us moms lose ourselves in the parenting process and wait until we burn out before we ask what went wrong! Thanks for your support which I know I could call on anytime! Xx
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October 6, 2018 at 12:55 pm
I agree with you. You always have my support! xo
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October 23, 2018 at 6:38 pm
I am sorry for being a bad blog friend and not checking in more often. But, more importantly, I’m so sorry you have been struggling with your health. The heart issue must have been a frightening thing and hope it’s been resolved.
I really admire your openness about your health and your struggles, and writing all of your journey so that others can glean wisdom from you. I am not so brave.
It’s a season of rest for you and I’m so glad you are taking it.
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October 24, 2018 at 11:25 am
Hi Brenda, you can rest assured you are anything but a bad blog friend! I look forward to your visits and I understand that time and other commitments have to be considered…same here!
Yes, heart issue was frightening but mostly because of a convaluted journey towards assessment and accessing professional support. One consultant (I question if he should be called that), told me, whilst waiting for a referral to a specialist that “we could happily lose you in the meantime” needless to say when he insisted on faxing for an appointment and not writing as per standard procedure, I was concerned!
Luckily he was totally wrong and I need not have worried. I’ve been reasured that my new medication is working, I’ve received good advice and I’m back for review in 3 months. I find blogging is helping me gain insights into myself and why I behave as I do and I hope that it will be of benefit to even one other blogger!
I went back to work after 5 weeks off, paying attention to what my body is saying more now and trying to be strict in pacing myself. I hope you are well and survived recent storms in Hong Kong.
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October 24, 2018 at 5:14 pm
Very sorry, that specialist should lose his license (or whatever you call it). His duty of care is sorely lacking. But, very glad he was wrong and the medication is working for you. I’m happy you are pacing yourself at work. I know it must be difficult. As a people pleaser (that’s me), I find it easy to give in to other’s expectations of me. As I age, I strive to move away from that compulsion. I don’t ever want to be callous to others of course, but sometimes “no” needs to be said, or at least “not now.” I also have a compulsion to do a good job, but health issues are not something to trifle with and usually my family loses out when I am overwhelmed.
I appreciate your posts because they cause me to stop and think about how I’m living and the decisions I’m making as well, such issues with my own individual limitations. I’m sure those who follow your blog are also encouraged and glean wisdom from your experience.
Joy & peace to you! =)
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October 24, 2018 at 7:05 pm
Thank you Brenda! I think it’s always those closest to us that lose out when we are overwhelmed and I’m only beginning to realise and learn the importance of self-care to prevent overwhelm as we owe it to ourselves and our families! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on my blog and I’m so glad you find my posts cause you to stop and reflect as that’s exactly what I hope for my blog. Two wonderful wishes..joy & peace and I appreciate you sending them to me! Xx
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January 3, 2019 at 4:29 am
Amazing! Simply amazing!
You took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It is great appreciated. I too live with an invisible illness and chronic pain, Chiari Malformation. Life has been a challenge since my diagnosis in 2013. I had to also fight for health benefits. I look so ‘normal,’ on the outside – young and vibrant as some may say. But I’m deteriorating and feel more like 80 than 34.
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January 3, 2019 at 3:26 pm
Gosh, thank you! I’m delighted to receive such affirming feedback! I’m sure it must take huge determination to stay going against such a difficult challenge! People really don’t get the fact that you’re sick once you look ‘normal’. After returning to work I was advised not to take on a new training course “until you’re back to full health!”…I am learning to say next time someone says this to me that “the nature of my illness means it is unlikely I will ever be back to full health!” Thank you for your visit and heartfelt comment.
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January 3, 2019 at 3:34 pm
That’s right. It’s the reality of it all, when we will truly get back to our ‘normal’ healthy self, more than likely never. I’m learning to stand up for myself when time calls for it, people will never truly get a grasp of the extent of the illness. And that’s ok. For the mean time, I continue to pray for patience and understanding, praying so that I may love the new version of myself, illness and all.
I often tell my husband, if it’s not that you see someone in a wheelchair or crutches, you’d never know they were sick. We need more compassion and love on this world, because you never know what the other is going through.
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January 3, 2019 at 4:24 pm
In agreement with you, and yes assertiveness takes practice!
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January 3, 2019 at 4:28 pm
It sure does, but when it’s reached, it’s freeing. 😊🙏🏽
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